“I’m liking where this is going” I said, pointing to a potato chip making its way toward my face.
You Might Also Like
Me: *driving kids to school unshowered*
Anxiety: What if you crash and the first responders realize you haven’t showered?
I wear a cape because I’m Super Broke
Physics Teacher: What is
this measurable unit “µ”
called? Student : Torrent
Today I became an Australian citizen and I got bitten by a spider. Unlikely coincidence IMHO. 🇦🇺
The Roomba keeps going right past a piece of garbage without picking it up. It’s one of the family now.
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: I’m more of a-
ME: CHECK PLEASE
[ the manger ]
me: so what’s his name
mary: jesus christ
me: hey watch your language around the baby
ME: *slides envelope across the table
COP: *opening it* This is half a ticket to an MC Hammer concert from 1990
ME: You’ll get the other half when I’m out of here
Way ahead of you, “cashless society.”
How long can a guy stare at you at the urinal before things get creepy…because it’s been two minutes and this dude refuses to make eye contact with me.
Mom: my friend wants to set you up with her son, he runs a hedge fund
Me, who heard hedgehog fund: that sounds adorable
What if Harambe was shot by a time traveler trying to prevent Planet of the Apes
[chameleon conference]
Boss: Is… everyone here?
*crickets*
Boss: I know Keith is. He brought the yummy crickets. Thx
Keith: You’re welcome
My favourite child is the one who just told me I’m so funny. Don’t know her name yet but she lives down the street.
I was very concerned with my Grandma today
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
You’ve seen nothing until you’ve seen a picture of a pigeon having a job interview to become a pigeon:
[in car]
7: mom, who sings this song?
Me: Pink Floyd*5 minutes later*
7: who sings this one?
Me: still Pink Floyd, buddy
I sympathize with the journalist intern assigned to uncover my scandalous past, only to stumble upon countless pictures of me indulging in gravy.
roses are red
violets are blue
i hate the sounds
you make when you chew
I just know they’re trying to reach him about an extended warranty.
Me: I’m not gonna go crazy this year
Also me: cooks 85 dishes for Thanksgiving and wonders why there are so many leftovers
My daughter wrote a story at school about a sad cat that drinks cocktails so I should probably call her teacher
That awkward moment when you look over to give another driver a condescending look criticizing their driving and you nearly wreck and die.
i’m a writer the way a potato is a battery
PRIEST: 1st the groom’s vows.
ME: *Unfolds notes* I’m only doing this for the cake.
PRIEST: That’s not really-
HER: That’s what I wrote too.
Fire inspector, “Do you have any enemies?”
Me, “lol do you have a pen?”
Due to Corona, we officially have three days of the week
1. Yesterday
2. Today
3. Tomorrow
My phone just autocorrected “Haha” to “Jaja” so I guess I’m Mexican now.
To prepare yourself for having a kid: Every night before bed say to your phone “Siri, Set an alarm. Surprise me.”