My girlfriend does not want to split the gallon of milk I smuggled into the movie theater for us 😔
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I still can’t believe someone stole my neighbours wind chimes tomorrow morning
Just because I know that I can fit 150 snakes in my bathtub doesn’t mean I have a plan
Clark Kent “I have a confession”
Lois Lane “what is it?”
*Clark removes his glasses*
Lois “Is it a bird?”
Clark “WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU”
ME: They call me Mr Universe
DATE: You workout?
ME: I’m constantly expanding
LOL pills that say don’t take with alcohol. Ok Doc, how do YOU
suggest I take my medication then?
ME: *points at my “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*
CO-WORKER: *points at his own “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*
ME: *takes a sip from my “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*
CO-WORKER: *sips from his own “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*
ME: [eyes narrow] *draws “World’s Greatest Dad” sword*
Nobody needed expensive gym memberships in the 70s. They had rotary dial phones.
My husband was so excited to finally have a kid that shared his love for baseball until the bottom of the 8th when she loudly asked “is this baseball or football?”
COMEDY= a skeleton playin his ribs like a xylophone
TRAGEDY= skeleton cant hear music bc he got bones for ears
“Mom can you take this scratch off my leg?” and other ludicrous requests my kids have
I can’t afford an electric toothbrush, so I just roll a baby hedgehog in some toothpaste and hold in it my mouth for 15 minutes.
I got my followers the old fashioned way – with tranquilizer darts.
Date: I’m pretty easygoing, you?
Me: *regularly gets stressed out doing captcha tests bc I don’t know if bushes count as trees* Definitely.
*lies down on couch*
*turns on TV*
*covers up with blanket*
*adjusts pillows perfectly*
[from other room: “Honey can you come here please?”]
The daughter is spending the night out tonight so the wife & I are going to do that thing we like to do when she’s gone.
*watch tv in separate rooms.
If someone is throwing shade, they’re doing you a favor. Use it, avoid sun damage; let your perfect skin be something else for them to hate.
I don’t know why they call this a house cat he doesn’t even like techno.
Doubt I’ll ever forget this scene 😂
8:00AM *starts peeling an egg*
4:00PM *finishes peeling an egg*
Me: You’re asking me to do this work today? On the Friday of Friday? The AUDACITY.
Boss: Again, it’s called Thursday…
Age 25: I need cute shoes for this event.
Age 45: I need cute shoes for this event that I can also wear to work and walk several miles in, don’t make me look old or like I’m trying too hard, won’t hurt my little toe or lower back, will last a minimum of 10 years & are on sale.
Last night my wife got pissed because I kicked the ice cubes I dropped under the refrigerator. But now it’s just water under the fridge.
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*Wife (out of breath): Thanks for holding the elevator open
Me: No problem
Apparently, it’s considered bad form to bring their luggage to the graduation ceremony.
My proctologist gave me two thumbs up. Which I did not appreciate.
FRIEND: you gotta go home and show your wife who’s boss
ME: damn right
[later]
ME: jen listen up *pulls out photo* this is my manager tim
I was telling some bro at a party about how I’m related to Emily Brontë and he said “it’s pronounced Blunt”.
i asked my mom why she was crying and she said because shes choping onions which is sad becuase as a young child she was adopted by onions
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.