I’m sorry Mr. Simmons. I really enjoy babysitting little Timmy, but I’m only 14. I need real money, not bitcoin.
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(Invention of the necktie)
I can’t figure out how to tie this silk noose. Looks like I’ll have to go to the dinner party after all.
no matter how many times I drown my laundry, it keeps coming back.
[on a date with a caribou as a favor to my sister]
me: so…did you like the movie?
caribou: *knocks over candy display & tramples 3 kids*
[planning heist]
Me: then we access the vault
Guy: I don’t think they have a vault
Me [mocking]: yeah I bet they jus leave the Mcflurrys out
Together, I can beat schizophrenia.
my body: please, eat something green
me: ugh, fine! *eats mint chip ice cream*
woke up to a text from my mom about how a wild elephant went into a Sri Lankan hotel and gently wandered around while poking stuff with his trunk
Always leave the shower curtains open.
*things I learned from horrors
Children look up to me. They say “Hey mister why are ya sleepin in that tree?”
Why do doctor’s offices take your blood pressure AFTER weighing you? Of course it’s going to be high then.
Damn even I didn’t expect him to lift up the pizza lol
Me: *washes hands 97 times a day now*
Also me: *hasn’t washed coffee mug since 2003*
No one cares about your plans for the weekend more than the person cutting your hair
I picked my nephew up from school & I asked him “how was school?” This boy gonna say “Why you ask me that everytime you see me, you never went to school?”
HAPPY NEW YEAR!
My resolutions are:
1) Stop making any lists.
B) Be more stable.
7) Learn to count.
*at Thanksgiving dinner*
Me: One of you is eating poison green bean casserole.Everyone: *gasp*
Me: Just kidding you all are.
I drank a beer and then clipped my kid’s bangs, so tomorrow morning should be interesting
Dunkin Donuts gives you zero or fifty nine napkins, there is no in between.
I let an AT&T Customer Service Representative call me Brenda for a half hour because I was too embarrassed to correct him
They say “pick your battles”, so today Oreos win.
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
“Yeah….so is a grenade”
To tree roots that look remarkably like snakes:
You’re not funny.
What do the films Titanic & the 6th sense have in common?
Icy dead people…
My 6yo is excited at the possibility of being a ghost, but wants to know if her toys will remain real toys or become ghost toys
The best thing I ever did was install a fake doorbell.
Now no one ever knocks on my door.
A woman told me at dinner she liked me because I’m “not afraid to eat bread”–so I’m done with socializing for at least a year thanks
My kids gave me a headache so I left them a scathing review on Glassdoor.
[introducing date]
Me: This is Linda, my date.
Her: You mean Lisa.
Me: This is Linda, my Lisa.
6yo:You can’t eat chips before dinner!
Me:YOU can’t. I’m a grown man. I do what I want.
*Wife walks in*: What’s that?
Me:WHAT? NOTHING. Huh?
Being held captive can’t be all bad. At least you’re being held.