When someone is ignoring your messages..
just text them “I heard something about you”
and then ignore them too😜😜
You Might Also Like
I can’t remember exactly when I started baring my bottom in public, but it was many moons ago.
(praying for the first time in a long while and trying to be extra flattering to god): sweetheart,
[after the apocalypse]
God: *counting souls* I’ll trade you a podcaster for an uber driver
Satan: *unwrapping his third social media influencer* no way man
[Cooking pasta]
Make enough to feed everyone in The Sopranos and proceed like Tony is going to kill you if you don’t cook enough pasta.
Gordon Ramsay as an art judge:
*Throwing crayons
This “drawing” isn’t worth the paper it’s printed onBabies crying everywhere
The first guy to ever throw water at girl in a white shirt probably broke the record for the number of high-fives received in one minute.
I’m not particularly good at playing hide-and-seek with children because I have no desire to find them.
A person followed me and then unfollowed me within 3 minutes. How can they judge me after only seeing 47 tweets?
If any of you toddler parents need some encouragement to keep pushing through those toddler years – I just slept in until 11 am on a Sunday.
You would think a Steven with a ph would know better than to address me as Alison with two Ls.
I wouldn’t want lesbian parents. Not because I’m homophobic. I just don’t want to get stuck in an endless loop of “Go ask your mother.”
I love when I open my dryer door and money falls out instead of my cat.
When I need a dose of logic and rational thinking I turn to my dog who has to this day never cut her own bangs.
Receptionist: Psychiatric Unit, can I help you?
Me: Yes, I’d like to make a reservation…
When I walk for a short period each day in the woods, if I pass someone a few yards away I make a point in speaking and smiling at them. That ensures they move on quickly.
Most Well-known Speeches:
1. Gettysburg Address – Abe Lincoln
2. I Have a Dream – Martin Luther King
3. You Need to Floss – Every Dentist
Him: No more coffee for you.
Me: “Why? I’m fine,” I say while detailing the neighbor’s car.
The floor after my kids eat one granola bar
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
Happy Mother’s Day
Me: I need help burying a body
Wife: FFS….ok…….but you’re doing the dishes tonight
Me:……kThat’s how a good marriage works people.
Someone needs to break it to my cat that she is not a security guard and my bathroom is not a VIP section.
It’s interesting growing up and discovering that most adults are not that clever. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
Creepy Singles in your area want to sniff your panties and drink your bath water
Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
Took away all my son’s electronic privileges, and now he’s so bored he’s given me 35 hugs.
May take them away tomorrow too.
I’m thinking about getting a mirror over my bed so I can watch myself while I’m eating cereal.
I was going to pay $100/hour to see a psychic, but fortunately I found a huge bag of fortune cookies for $18.50 instead.
There should be an app in which you enter how many rolls of toilet paper you have left and it calculates how much food you can eat.
just saw the barbie movie and it’s fantastic! i won’t give away the entire ending, but she does kill osama bin laden.