Six-year-old: “Dad why do you have to go to work?”
Me: “If I didn’t go to work who would buy your transformers?”
Six-year-old: “Dad the money for transformers doesn’t come from your work. I pay for those by doing extra chores.”
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i’m getting my wisdom teeth taken out on monday. i know most people get this procedure done when they’re like 16 but i think the move is waiting to do it when you’re 25 and depressed cause then you can appreciate the drugs a lot more
isnt birdbox bandersnatch the guy who plays dr. strange
having sex w/ a girl who has multiple personalities would be awesome unless one of those personalities was hitler
When I was little I asked God for a bike. He didn’t deliver so I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness instead.
Look kid, you can’t die from embarrassment. Believe me, I’ve tried.
I just ran a .003048K
If someone came to my door & said “We’ll give you a dollar for every plastic bag shoved under your kitchen sink.” I’d be living large.
I was gonna do a tweet about Albert Einstein’s IQ but I couldn’t get it under 140.
I wear workout clothes to get Burger King breakfast so the drive thru lady thinks I worked out first. Dont be afraid to live your best life.
KILLER: I’M GONNA CATCH YOU
ME: YOU’LL NEVER CA- [stops running to pet a dog]
As a joke I suggested to my 10yo that he was getting diapers for Christmas so he wouldn’t have to stop gaming even for a moment, and Reader, he hesitated.
Save money this Halloween by utilizing last years’ hobo costume to dress up as this year’s federal employee.
[girlfriend texting me] so what are you gonna do to me tonight 😉
[remembers how she likes it rough] shoot you out of a cannon
Doctor: Please step on the scale
Me: No weigh
My favorite fruit salad is sangria.
me: looking for a dining table to enhance the ✨aesthetic👄 of my apartment
also me: egge?? 😮
[first day as a microbiologist]
me: my god… i’ve never seen a strain like this
boss: [through toilet stall] GET OUT
How powerful must it feel for the dentist to start referring to your teeth by their secret “numbers” to the hygienist
Natalie Imbruglia: I thought I saw a man brought to life. He was warm, he came around like he was dignified
Him:
Barista: How do you take your coffee?
Me: Seriously. Very seriously.
I just bought one share of stock. I’m a finance bro now.
I have my binoculars ready for the upcoming solar eclipse. This is going to be amazing.
Rock Singer: I SAID, YOU READY TO HAVE A GOOD TIME? I CAN’T HEAR YOU!
Me: DO YOU UNDERSTAND THAT WE DON’T HAVE MICROPHONES ON THIS SIDE?!
ME: Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?
DEATH: WE GET THERE WHEN WE GET THERE.
A web shooter like Spiderman would have so many uses, like I could grab the chips without leaving the couch.
Hugh Jackman denies ever taking steroids to transform into Wolverine:
“I had been told what the side effects are… I don’t love my job that much.”
[marriage counseling]
Ginny- He always hides from our problems.
Therapist- Is this true?
Harry- *puts on invisibility cloak* No.
My 7yo son is running away because I made him write a few sentences. I guess I shouldn’t expect any letters from the road.
Coworker: Good morning
Me (suddenly realizing this is my first interaction of the day): How are go?
son: why is my name jesus
dad: mom wanted to name u after a rolemodel
other son: &me?
dad: well Charizard the same reason but it was my turn