Making pizza she asked “why are you putting extra cheese on it?”
And that was the last time she was invited over.
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Therapist: remember the key to a happy marriage is poise and self-sacrifice.
Me: [writes down poison self; sacrifice] that makes a lot of sense Doc.
me: *placing a fork in front of a turtle* you’re raphael now
I’m about to go for a run as soon as I text all my enemies and let them know.
I’ve never been kidnapped and tortured but I have been forced to go to the store before Christmas and gotten stuck behind someone buying 25 gift cards.
If I had a twin, whenever someone asked which one of us was older, I’d tell them that we both came out at the exact same time.
I understand that children are our future, but in the future can they be on a different train?
[during sex]
me: imma turn the ceiling fan on
giraffe wife: *on top* noooooooo
COWORKER: how old is our boss?
ME: cut him in half & count the rings
CW: doesn’t that only work on trees?
ME: *over chainsaw noises* HE’S 38
HEY UNCLES – KEEP YOUR GODDAMN WIVES UNDER CONTROL
Good news! That lump I found in my breast turned out to be a Skittle.
[picking out clothes] ah yes, what lovely garment shall i stain with food on this fine day
Every morning I ask how my daughter is doing and she in turn asks me how Beyoncé is doing. I said why can’t you ask how I’m doing too and she says she will when I sound more like Beyoncé.
Fun Fact: There are only 4 actors in the entire United Kingdom at any one time and they take turns playing every role in every British TV show and movie. Here they currently are:
Can’t blame Waldo for hiding. Imagine if some dude just starting writing books encouraging people to find you.
british people are always saying fucked up shit like “i grew up in Poppington Square but moved to King’s Jangly before settling in Elephant-Upon-Strighton.”
the new york sewer rats have finally elected a new rat pope
My kids are at an age now where they are beginning to understand embarrassment.
This is my time to shine.
Genie: you have three wishes
Me: I wish we never met
Genie: but then how would I grant…
Me: your problem
How many of these sleep podcasts started as just regular podcasts before the host came to the harsh realization that their show was dull so they pivoted
I ordered one of those Tempura mattresses. Way too crunchy.
Stay vigilante (if you see something, stab something)
I always look for the best looking cashier at the supermarket and always end up at the self checkout lane
*boss trying to relate to younger employees*
“Excited for the weekend? I know I’ll be *looks down at Wikipedia print-out* Yoloing for sure!”
Jerry: He offered you a red pill and a blue pill?
George: Two pills, no water
Jerry: No water?
George: No water
Jerry: Cant take a pill without water
George: Never could
Jerry: So what’d you do?
George: I left. I’m not choking down a dry pill
Kramer enters in a leather coat
[first day of work as a 911 operator]
“Hello, 911”
Hi someone’s trying to break into my house
“holy shit call 911”
I don’t take Advil when I get my period. I need to feel all the not pregnant.
In order for us to go on vacation we need to start by unpacking from our last vacation.
My son is an embarrassment, I’m afraid. He came back from college for Xmas, and seems mortified to find that me & his mom have gone goth.
Music takes practice. Before they were Duran Duran they had to Duwalk Duwalk.
My 10yo programmed Alexa so that when he asks, “Who am I?”, she responds, “You’re the king and you’re better than everybody. Deal with it, peeps!”
I am so, so embarrassed that I didn’t program her first.