“It gets better”
– vague
– passive
– civil“Time will put your enemies in the ground”
– specific
– threatening
– goal oriented
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Her: You’ve been quiet.
Him: Thank you.
My birth control is my 5yo running around in circles at 5am screaming “I have so much energy! I have so much energy! I have so much energy!”
Tweet about drinking too much = 50 quick likes
Facebook about drinking too much = A phone call from my mom
Captain hook: hi do you have any quite big gloves? maybe a bit piratey, nothing weird
sales assistant: oh not you again
Me: I wonder what the wicked witch’s name is.
7: Ding Dong.
Me: What?
7: The song says, Ding Dong the Witch is dead.
Me: Oh. My. God. 😂
Is your meth contaminated with coronavirus? This Florida police dept. will test it for free
Judging by the bites I woke up with this morning, I got felt up by a spider last night.
So what do you think?
New hair?
No
Shoes?
No
Bag?
No
Pants?
No* 3 days later watching TV
OMG u rearranged the living room
– Men
amazon: your package is in your mailbox 🙂
me: it is not
amazon: we delivered to your mailbox already 🙂
me: i ordered a microwave it is not in my mailbox
amazon: maybe you’re looking in the wrong one?
me: that isn’t possible
amazon: put your f*****g glasses on dipshit :))
REJECTED MARVEL CHARACTERS:
Thorothy
Captain Caillou
Aunt Man
Backfat
Iron Jan
Thanus
“One box of murder hornets, please. And yes, it’s a gift.”
[people leaving the reading of my last will and testament]
why did he have so many tamagotchis
Interviewer: *glancing from my resume to my wheelchair*
“It says here you ran a marathon?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have excellent organizational skills.”
Dad: *getting grill ready* I need some lighter fluid
Me: *ties a balloon to his drink*
Dad: *sniff* I’m so proud of you
Goblin adventurer whose catchphrase is “no goblemo”
“It’s ok to double dip if you eat the whole bowl of chips & salsa by yourself!”
I shout as I swat my date’s hand away
“Blind dates are fun!”
Does beer think about me too?
I accidentally discovered how to cook the perfect amount of pasta and had to sign a confidentiality agreement with Italy
Before I do anything important, I always ask myself “would this gain house points for Gryffindor or lose house points for Gryffindor?”
The smartest way to keep kids out of a fumigated house is by making it look like a big fun circus tent.
I’ll never be arm candy. I’m 50,
best I can be is an arm sandwich
I read an article that began “During the pandemic, with the implementation of distance learning…” and was surprised it didn’t end “came an uptick in nervous breakdowns of parents everywhere.”
*kicks door down*
*realizes its the wrong house*
*leaves*
*comes back with tool bag*
*fixes door*
*apologizes*
no job yet but i’ve been staying busy!
Dear Jesus- please let all my texts go to the correct person- Amen
“can i have your number?” bro i told you i got a bf like 530-294-2740 times
4 dentists: [coming out of the woods]
guy who saw them go in: hey weren’t there five of you
4 dentists: [in agreement] no
DATE: I want to date someone that loves the ocean
MY BRAIN: say you like swimming
MY MOUTH: the Titanic was an inside job
I text “just met my future husband!” to at least one friend after each first date, just to ensure someone has a cute anecdote to tell at our wedding