Prof. Oak: you get to travel the world
Ash: i’m a kid
Oak: catch a wild animal to protect you
Ash: that sounds dangerous
Oak: keep it caged in a ball
Ash: kinda harsh
Oak: catch’em all
Ash: you okay bro
Oak: *grabs Ash by the collar* USE THEM TO BEAT UP OTHER PEOPLES PETS
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Women never find it devilishly charming when I follow them into the lady’s room. Thanks a lot, “Top Gun”.
Lawyer: did your boyfriend commit the crime?
Girlfriend: honey he can’t even commit to this relationship
Entire jury: OH SNAP
boss: somebody stole the office thesaurus
me: I perceive your concern however I am not cognizant of the perpetrator
Her: Where ya been?
Me: At the cemetery.
Her: Someone dead?
Me: Yeah. All of them.
I’m in a really bad place right now*
*in my neighbor’s driveway “stealing” my doordash that was delivered to the wrong house
Sia’s full name is: “Sia…Wouldntwannabia.”
Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
[police station]
I’d like to fill out a police report.
*describes myself to the sketch artist*
Everything is a pillow. Some things are just better pillows than others
Robber: Give me your valuables
Me: *hands him piece of paper*
Robber: What’s this?
Me: My Netflix password.
That worked out so much differently in my head.
– an autobiography
Demi Lovato? Isn’t that one of those tiny coffee cups?
My daughter acts like she’s on the police hostage negotiation team anytime me or her mother goes to the bathroom & shuts the door.
I almost cut my finger off cutting some celery to eat and all I could think is this never happens with cupcakes.
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Daily
Dentist: *Pulls fully grown centaur from between my 2nd and 3rd molars*
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends, into what?”
If I ever own my own company, the logo will be something majestic and exhilarating, like a tiger hang gliding.
Kids will be like “let’s play hide and seek!”, look for you for five seconds and then get bored, start playing hot wheels or some other crap and leave you contorted up in the laundry room
He obviously thinks I’m some kind of maritime explorer, like calm down Magellan
{During Mass}
Priest: Can someone please check on the woman screaming the rosary in the confessional booth?
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
Who called it a foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
Probably the worst thing you can do to a person is leave them a voicemail.
Okay, OKAY, I’ll take “I did it all for the nookie” off my résumé.
Glad I had the coat closet redone so that everyone can continue leaving jackets and bags everywhere except the coat closet
“DOES ANYONE KNOW CPR?”
I step forward boldly.
“I know OF it.”
Thanks to a fan for this one!
It takes me about 15 hours to fully wake up in the morning
I love medieval baby paintings because they either look like a baby who has done crossfit since birth or that creepy middle aged dude who sells drugs at the end of my street