a depressed king of the sea is called a posighdon tell your friends.
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me: *rubs lamp*
genie: I will grant you three wishes
me: can you go away I’m rubbing this lamp
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
B: What? You aren’t doing anything
M: sorry I’m super high. What was the question?
Someone is yelling!
The voice is familiar…
How they rave and they rant!
Is it Jackman?
Or, Laurie?
Hefner or Grant?– Horton Hears a Hugh
hello i have a very silly piece about hot dogs in the new yorker today!
you can read the whole thing here:
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
If you’re over the age of 5, and are trying to be cute by saying: sorry as: sowee – I will kick you in your pwivates.
Just been to see Benny from maintenance in hospital. He was putting up one of those boards that tell you have many days since the last accident and it fell on him.
WIFE: look at that couple. He kisses his girl every time he sees her. Why can’t you do that
ME: I’d love to but I don’t know her well enough
Sorry for releasing thousands of shrieking bats at your wedding. Sometimes I don’t know what to do with my hands.
Them: Pain is just weakness leaving the body!
Me: Yes, but also sometimes pain is just last night’s extra hot burrito leaving the body too!!
I named my third child Pi, because having that many kids seemed irrational.
I like a bird with purpose. One walking quickly as though late to a business meeting. No time to trifle with you, ma’am.
I’m only a vegetarian so people won’t invite me anywhere
Doing my civic duty by ensuring that my students know the difference between “lose” and “loose.”
My husband and I talked about getting a divorce, but neither one of us wants the kids.
Nature abhors a vacuum
My dog: frfr
Well, at least tomorrow is Friday.
-Me having a bad Wednesday that’s about to get even worse.
When kidnappers take sensitivity training: fragrance free chloroform
I’m always disappointed when I get an “animal detected” alert from my security system and it’s a mosquito on the lense and not a sasquatch in my back yard.
I’m writing a book about a future hurricane. It’s only a draft at the moment
I’m sorry I couldn’t get to my blinker in time I’m almost done with this salad
If microbiologists are so smart then how did they end up so tiny?
I love to run. Around the house. Chasing my toddler. Because she took my iced coffee.
Anchor:Actress Zooey Dechanel has murdered an entire town
Co-Anchor:Lol who murders a whole town
A:So quirky
C:Haha America’s sweetheart
Where do rainbows go when they’re bad?
Prism. It’s a light sentence
“If you are fat you will die,” said the thin ppl, who would never die.
I miss being the age where the most devastating thing in the world was when my sandwiches got cut into squares instead of triangles.
I think when you get your photo taken for your driver’s license they should squirt you in the face with a water gun. Then your picture will have that annoyed and upset look to match when the cop pulls you over
No one has ever had more confidence in me than the waiter who just gave me one napkin with my lunch
If you see a distressed woman in the mall screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.