The calories don’t count in the bites we have to take of our kid’s food to get them to eat it
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Bring your sick kid to business meetings and watch how fast people get to the point.
My boomer father in law couldn’t get his TV to work, the tv was plugged into a surge protector…that was plugged into itself.
Bang me like a vending machine that cheated you out of a snack.
Me: I’d never go to Australia. Everything there wants you dead.
Her: You should feel right at home then.
Me: 😐
Just when you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone, BOOM…
The Onion rings. I’m sorry 😂😂😂😂
Everyone shut up, my 1st grader is telling me a 30-minute long story about how Laberham Lincoln got shot.
I’m implementing a new policy in my house: any child who is awake past bedtime can either go to sleep or clean the oven, no exceptions
Felt like crap, so I drank an energy drink. Now I’m talking really fast and cleaning things I didn’t even know I owned.
If someone gives you a gift and you didn’t get them one, hand it back to them politely and say, “I don’t want this shit.”.
[street fight]
Come at me bro!!
*guy rips off his shirt revealing bulging muscles
*I rip off my shirt revealing another shirt & run away
Me: my boyfriend said that he doesn’t love me anymore
Boyfriend: that’s not what I said! I said that I have to work and I can’t give you attention 24/7
Me: same thing
*watches The Matrix and just gets increasingly annoyed at how unrealistic it is for Trinity and Neo to wear sunglasses inside*
Apparently waterboarding Tim from marketing is not considered an acceptable team building exercise.
Them: “I hate to be a…”
Me: “Then don’t.”
I’m in a doctor’s office waiting room and there’s a People magazine on the table. I can’t believe Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston are getting a divorce.
awesome draft from months ago i just found
shop assistant: do you need help?
me: yah but i’ll settle for finding the vodka aisle
The Girl With The Grilled Cheese and Bacon Tattoo
I’m just not cool enough for a scooter, I moped.
i worked at the public library for 3 years. whenever someone returned a book late, i charged the late fee to a fake account. by the time i quit, Mr. Calvin McHobbes of Sparks, Nevada owed $12,793 in overdue fines
I hate when I find a show on TV that I like and I start to get into it and then I realize that it’s my neighbor’s window and he looks angry.
My daughter’s boyfriend left his wallet here. I put girls names & numbers in it. Later today I’ll ask my daughter if he has change for a $20
My husband thinks I’ve been on my phone checking the weather for the last 3500 hours
Good thing “you only live once” has really caught on otherwise we might all kill ourselves like it’s no big deal
Goose parade in The Netherlands.. 😊
Johnny Depps wife filed for divorce, thanks a lot Australia! This is why nice people don’t visit you!
Can’t. About to go please some beans
[aliens arrive]
people: *screaming crying hiding*
me: *frantically learning how to spell TAKE ME in music and math*
Judas is buying everyone shots.
Seems to have a bit more cash than normal…..
Good for him
You ever watch a scary movie and then go to bed but need to watch cartoons first as a palate cleanser?