wife *sees chair* [thinking] That would look great with the new rug in the living room
me *sees chair* [thinking] Chair
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Mom [holding newborn baby]: Let’s name the baby after my grandfather
Dad: What would be the point of naming him after your grandfather already did
If I had a pet unicorn, I’d probably just use it to carry my donuts around.
What a wicked game you play
To make me feel this way
What a wicked thing to do
Detective Pikachu
Not saying the carpet needs cleaning but I just dropped a donut and now it’s an everything bagel.
agent: may i please have your account number
me: i’ve given it out three times and been transferred three times
agent: sorry about that
me: but shouldn’t it come through to you when you get a transfer
agent: ideally, yes
me:
agent: may i please have your account number
*glamorously folds laundry
*seductively wipes off countertops
*slowly bends over to pick up toys
*sexily trips over the cat…
[driving to occult ceremony]
“I’m just gonna have one sacred elixir”
[2 hours later]
[floating in midair chugging straight from the ram’s skull] BEQUEATH ME ANOTHER
I’m trying to eliminate negativity from my life so Monday’s will now be Taco Tuesday eve until further notice
I don’t think AI should be used to make content…BUT…if there were a way for the paw patrol to tell my son by name that if he doesn’t go to bed they will arrest him…
Everyone: 2020 is gonna be my year!
Coronavirus: LOL
Me to my 10 yo: Why is your Roblox character so little? You look like a baby.
Her: Other people in the game think I’m cute so they pick me up and take me to their house then I rob them and run away.
Me:
Movies taught me that, when you place a small sentimental item in someone’s hand, you also have to close their hand for them.
I hate when I’m beating my grandma in Mario Kart and she kicks the controller out my hands.
mike tyson’s full name is mike thank you son
“I’ve lost 200 pounds in just one year.”
“Oh. CrossFit?”
“No. Gambling.”
When I was really young my dad told me if you hit a traffic cone with your car you have to go back home and start your journey again… and i’m not telling how old I was when I learnt this was a lie
My son just choked on food laughing, and I’m torn between being concerned and marvelling that one of my jokes almost literally killed someone.
Maybe Hitler started WWII after being constantly attacked by time travelers.
Me: the refrigerator wasn’t built for this
Her: all the food?
Me: no this penguin
Sorry I haven’t tweeted in a couple of days. My kid followed me from room to room making really obnoxious whale noises and I feel like I’ve gotten a taste of my own medicine
He said: “Tell me Baby…am I your first?”
She said: “What? Like…today?”
the family mocked me when I said I was building a rocket to fire the hamster into space, but I notice they all subscribed to the YouTube channel to watch the official launch
You’re the last hot dog on the rollers at 7-11 of people.
ME: Help! Boa constrictor!
BOA: Actually, I’m a python.
ME: Help! Boa contradictor!
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
[Ad shows dude getting out of bed before noon on the weekend]
*professional stuntman do not attempt*
I don’t know at what age I started dressing like the upholstery of my grandma’s plastic wrapped furniture, but here we are.
When two people miss a high five two ghosts get smacked in the face
The only way I’d want to watch a video of you pouring a bucket of ice water over your head is if you promise you drown at the end.
fav for leaf bucket
RT for hot oil starch sticks