i still can’t believe that my senior class voted me “least likely to let things go”
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PATIENT: Someone gave me pills at a party and my stomach hurts
DR: We took x-rays. You have spongy dinosaurs expanding inside you right now
You guys, how can true love still exist if we don’t have mixed tapes anymore?
If the police ask, I was in my house from 2009 to 2013.
My Ex told me once that more people would like me if I buttered them up, but in real people ran away when I step towards them with a butter knife.
wife: Did you get the cat out of the tree?
me [bleeding] Wasn’t a cat
my moms yelling at me bc idk her email password
You deserve someone who’ll chase you with a chainsaw.
My pants had a harsh talk with me this morning and said enough is enough or they’re going to split
Meeting a blind date at Starbucks. She said shell be wearing Uggs, a NorthFace Jacket, and yoga pants. I got her narrowed down to 47 girls.
A “beyond burger” implies the existence of a “bed burger ” and a “bath burger”
do I regret it, Carol? Hell, I don’t even remember gretting it the first time!
I wear a Fanny Pack to Olive Garden just so I can steal more breadsticks.
Parents: Never talk to strangers!
Also parents: Why don’t you have any friends?
Good luck to all of the parents whose kids will be eating their Easter candy and won’t be going to bed until Tuesday night.
any doctors here? am I allowed to get a wax during my epidural? it’s genius and there’s a ton of time to kill anyhow
I don’t mean to brag, but I’ve received a lot of emails that find me well.
[1st date]
“I’m really into roll playing,” I tell her with a wink, and make two pieces of complimentary bread pretend to kiss.
[being strapped to a medieval torture table]
“tbh not what I thought you meant when you said you were going to show me a nice rack”
Running shoes? No, I don’t run. These are my cake gettin’ shoes.
If the horse track doesn’t open back up soon, I’m gonna lose the only math I remember.
If I could go back and do it all over again I’d be born into money
I never eat coins in front of vending machines because I don’t want them to fall in love with me.
Pigeons imply the existence of pigcenturies and pigmillennia.
most german shepherds don’t know much german at all and are relieved when you try english
you don’t need therapy you just need to sit in the woods w/ your feet in a stream a dog by your side 1 million dollars in your pocket & a song in your heart
Your honor, my client could not have done this. The crime was committed way past his bedtime
Turns out indoor stone throwing is a mistake no matter what your house is made of.
Seems like an opportune time to resurface my favorite interview moment
[planning heist]
leader: the security guard will take his break from 3:15 to 3:30 so that’s when you will-[notices my disapproving expression] what?
me: that’s when I take my break too tho
temp agency: can you do retail
lizard: yes