I asked my driving instructor if I passed my driving test, he told me “no” as we swam ashore.
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Les Miserables was pretty good but I wish I’d had some kind of warning that everyone in it would be so unhappy.
I know it’s fiction but the logic in The Walking Dead is so skewed it is impossible to suspend disbelief.
An Asian guy named Glenn?
Please
My husband has been hiccuping for almost an hour now. I’d scare him, but we ate chili earlier.
Wait hamburger chips aren’t potato chip flavored hamburgers I’ve been living a lie
One minute you are young and carefree, the next minute you eat a cucumber after 6 PM and your digestive system is like, “absolutely not.”
My husband lost a bet and has to wash the dishes for a month, and I just got a credit card alert that someone just spent $200 at Costco.
If that man walks in the door with $200 of paper goods, I’m making it 2 months.
my local grocery store is rapidly losing control of the phrase chicken cutlets
[Watching an educational show]
[3 year-old asks a million questions I have no answer for]
Me: Okay, let’s watch Bugs Bunny instead.
[5 minutes later]
3: Why doesn’t he hop?
Me: ᴰᵃᵐᵐⁱᵗ
I wish I could lose weight as easily as I lose my glasses
Tweeting and grocery shopping don’t mix. I’ve been down every aisle and just realized all I have in my cart is a cabbage and someone’s baby.
it’s called boxing because smash mouth was taken
so this horse walks into a bar
You can be 30+ years old with children of your own and your parents will tell you not to eat too much ice cream because you threw up once when you were 8
I’ve made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I never ate candy corn on purpose.
trying to explain to my kindergartener that the home depot cashier is not about to give him 6 pies
My 3-year-old got a cut on her finger.
She’s holding it up to show people her band-aid.
Yes, that’s my kid flipping off everyone in the grocery store.
[Restaurant]
Me: I know in your profile it said you were small but I didn[my date falls into her soup]
No matter what meal it is, always say you had “brunch” so people know how much better than them you are.
Child: Can I have some help with my homework?
Me: Sure. Let’s see. [reading] If you have six apples and give one-[10 minutes later]
Me: FIVE. FFS THE ANSWER IS FIVE
this idiot cop is still behind me w/ his siren on, I keep moving out of the way & waving & yelling “GO AROUND,” man is he stupid
Didn’t have internet on my phone for the past few hours. Finally graduated, got married, lost some weight, read 15 books and showered.
In 8th grade I had to take care of an egg to teach me responsibility. That egg hatched, and I raised the chicken as my own. He was delicious
Existing is a pretty remarkable achievement.
If they’re going to advertise “Shots available now!” they really should specify if it’s needle or drinky.
Waiters who dont write stuff down—what do you win?
Before I had a dog I never realized how much chicken was on the sidewalk
Me *hesitates to do CPR on a friend who’s on the floor, unconscious*: What if he comes back as a zombie
911 Operator: No, he’d have to be dead awhile, then reanimated through some kind of disease vector or lightning storm.
Me: Thank you!
Operator: That’s what we’re here for.
HEY YOU WANNA GO FOR A RIDE IN MY TRUCK BABY. NO I WANNA GO TO YOUR HOUSE. MEET YOUR WIFE. MAYBE SHE WANTS TO COME WITH?
Bachelor: Will you accept this rose?
Me: Do you have any food?