I saw an Indian asleep on the train, noticed the little red dot on his forehead, and thought, “Is he on standby?”
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*FINALLY gets truck washed*
*immediately judges people’s dirty vehicles*
Kids eat free today? Nice… In that case, I’ll have a water and my son will have the steak and shrimp combo with a kids bud light.
if you have ‘on that grind’, or ‘never stop grinding’ in your bio I am assuming that you are a sausage maker and i will have a dozen mild italian.
Nothing in my life has made me more insecure than the amount of scam emails I get claiming I’ve won an Oral B toothbrush. Is this now my worth? A mere toothbrush? I used to correspond with Nigerian Princes
How did the date go?
-Not good.
Aww what went wrong?
-*thinks back to accidentally popping a zit into her soup* She just wasn’t my type.
It’s really funny that if you drown someone in a toilet in Hitman the authorities chalk it up to being an accidental death
I’m on a 2 hour long call where one lady keeps cleaning her throat, and some guy keeps saying “meat in” instead of meeting, and I just want to catapult myself into the sun
I see WWIII is about to kick off again. I’d best cancel the milk and get the cat in.
Not my circus. Not my monkeys. But I’m 99% positive I know those clowns.
The person who is your first and last thought of the day is either the one who has your heart, or who’s murder you’re secretly plotting.
Women are better than cake. You can have a woman and eat her too.
Do people who go ice fishing know you can actually make your own ice?
Me: I’m feeling really good about my situation right now
The Universe: hold my beer
I’m thinking about registering as a sex offender just so families with lots of kids won’t move into my neighborhood.
[mattress commercial]
husband: i like value
wife: but i want comfort
announcer: now you can have both with our new “split” design, the left side is $899 and the right side is a luxurious $1299
Oh, your kid gets straight A’s at school? That’s cool. My son knows exactly what to do in case of a zombie apocalypse.
Them: you’re 30 and still living with your parents!?!
Me, visibly perplexed: WHO’S PARENTS AM I SUPPOSED TO LIVE WITH THEN!!?!
Apparently telling your spouse “we’re going down” as you wake them up from their nap as the plane is landing is not appreciated. Oops
All of my best ideas involve jail time.
Never figured out why animated movies always showed a witch brewing some boiling hot Mountain Dew in a big cauldron.
BOSS: due to the virus we need everybody to work from home
ME: please, i have a family
A spider built a web across a rarely used toilet in my basement so occasionally I’ll flush it for him so maybe he thinks he over a series of picturesque mountain rapids
Last night I couldn’t sleep at all, just lying wide awake
“Oh, insomnia?”
No, in bed you idiot. Where the hell is Somnia?
{hears husband calling out from the shower. Son walks in room.}
Me: Hey Bubby, what did Daddy say?
Son: He says he loves you.
Me: No really, what did he say?
Son: He says he’d love you to get him a towel.
Me: Yeah, now that sounds about right.
i can never allow myself to acknowledge tripping in public i always gotta add another couple leaps like i’m an Olympic triple jumper
Pfizer: Our vaccine is 90% effective.
Me who always gets the lemon skittle: oh no
Told my kids I loved them at carpool and no one responded so I yelled, “I love you too!” while hanging out of the sunroof.
Me, 1
Kids, 0
We get it, cacti, you have great biceps.
If you’re a helicopter pilot and you don’t keep a ‘flying for dummies’ book in your cockpit, you’re missing a great opportunity for a giggle