Mom: Some stranger keeps answering your land line.
Me: That’s because I haven’t had a land line in 7 years, Ma.
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Years ago I promised a now 44 yr old friend I’d marry her if she was still single at 45 I need someone to step up she’s a mess
Oh no I got so excited that you texted me that I accidentally replied 11 thousand times and then swung into your house on a rope
My Face ID only recognizes me if I’m chewing now.
Six feet under.
– Yoda, explaining why he was turned away from riding the roller coaster
[Hair Salon]
Stylist: What would you like?
Me: I want it 2 inches longer all over.
*Batman voice*
“I’m Batman.”*Wife voice*
“Go empty the dishwasher, Batman.”
Breaking news:
One man. One tuba. A whole public library full of unsuspecting people. And no law enforcement anywhere in sight.
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips during a bank robbery*
Obituaries always read, “passed away peacefully surrounded by family”, I want mine to read, “died in a blazing glory of incompetence”
The first rule of Mormon fight flub is go door to door talking about Mormon fight club .
7 brought me breakfast in bed, which in theory was super sweet, except in reality it was a poptart at 4am.
Date: I can’t go out with a guy unless he’s a big dog person
Me [a werewolf]: This is your lucky day
At McDonalds looking at the menu through opera binoculars.
do you actually wanna go to grad school or are you just depressed and were trained to find (fleeting) fulfillment in academic success
my toxic trait is feeling like eating 1 box of oreos over the course of 1 day is healthier than eating them in one sitting. there has to be less calories that way.
I Wasn’t Paying Attention to the Zoom Until I Heard My Name Called: A Memoir
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
I wore pink pants to work today and multiple people thought I was not wearing pants at first glance. So what I’m saying is…I am so classy that several people considered that I may have been pantsless. At work.
I just saw a sign that said “if you can plan for a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and in my mind those two things are the same things
Me: if you’re a cop you have to tell me
Judge: way past that
Friend looking at my legs: did you get a spray tan?
Me: oh, no. I just wiped my greasy hands off on my legs after eating a whole bag of chips.
Say one positive thing about your opponent
Well…he does convert oxygen into carbon dioxide which helps trees grow.
One day I’m probably going to be too lazy to breathe and just die.
Ended a relationship today. Don’t worry, it wasn’t mine.
Apparently it is “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
Plot twist:
“Luke, I am your Mother.” – Yoda
My husband hasn’t forgiven me for answering ‘Okie dokie artichokie’ instead of utilizing the more socially acceptable phrase, “I do.”
Some say I’ve “gone off the rails,” or “left the reservation,” or “screwed the pooch,” or “mixed my metaphors,” or “launched the hot dog”
A new fast-food joint called, Bish Wut U Want. The drive-thru greeting will be, Bish Wut U Want?