Talk about bad timing #JokeoftheDay #Conan
You Might Also Like
[Interview with a Vampire]
Interviewer: hah, your resume says ‘bleedership skills’, what a funny typo!
Vampire: *nervously tapping fingers, not making eye contact*
Her: We need to talk
Me: *tucking in my pet racoon* Why?
“I’m soooo tired!”
[lays down in bed]
“I’m soooo comfortable!”
Bladder: Sup bro
Damn girl, are you an old ATM touchscreen? ‘Cause I’m pushing ALL the wrong buttons.
I could EASILY beat the Predator in a rap battle cuz what’s he gonna do? Click at me? Ok loser
“GUYS! GET UP! THE HOME INVASION ALARM IS GOING OFF AGAIN!”
~My dog when the doorbell rings
If your wife asks which friend would you like to have a threesome with, name her. Not two of her friends. Trust me guys.
Customer: is it 4 wheel drive?
Me [counting the wheels]: yeah
Customer: no like can it go off-road?
Me [looking around showroom]: well yeah
me: the clogged sink is over here
plumber: (crawls under sink)
me, definitely not a werewolf: oh no
I never understood why a set of false teeth is called “dentures”.
They really missed an opportunity to call it “substitooths”.
If u love someone and they don’t love u back the first thing you need to do is make them a scrapbook with you both in little wedding outfits
One of our doctors has such good handwriting, I’m beginning to wonder if he’s really qualified.
WIFE: I wish you would drop this stupid genie act
HUSBAND: honey I already told you, you’re out of wishes
Him: Where’d you get that black eye?
Me: My girlfriend gave it to me.
Him: I thought your girlfriend was out of town.
Me: I did too…
My insomnia has it’s own toothbrush in my bathroom.
T NOW! what do we want? MORE TIME-TRAVEL JOKES! when do we want them? RIGH
Me: If you’re going to serve alcohol at a company party, then you shouldn’t act so surprised when someone speaks their mind.
HR: Get out
Marriage is like, “I can’t believe you would do this” and “this” is just folding a towel in half instead of thirds.
[lightbulb store]
owner: “what watt can i get you?”
me:
owner:
me:
owner: “did i stutter?”
me: “i dont know”
me: I don’t need to write it down, I’ll remember
me 5 seconds later: oh no
After watching Honey Boo Boo, I realize America has much bigger problems than the national debt.
[police lineup]
Cop: step forward and say ‘boing boing’
Suspect 1: boing boing
Suspect 2: boing boing
Desk lamp: boing boing
Wife of Pixar’s letter i: that’s the one. He killed my husband
[Commercial for Milk]
Tired of dipping your hot dog in boring old water?!
[amazon dropping off my order]
Me: yes! my new recliner arrived!
Cat: yes! my new scratch pad arrived!
Me:
Cat: Tomato Tomahto
Get a hair cut, run away without paying. They can’t chase you because they’re holding scissors. The perfect crime.
Me: what’s the deal with airplane food
Baby: I don’t know it just tastes better when you make that noise
Got some shoes from a drug dealer , I don’t know what he laced them with coz I’ve been tripping all day.
[First day as a detective]
Me *pouring a drink*: let’s play never have I ever
Murder suspect:
Me: never have I ever shot a guy
Suspect:
Me: never have I killed guy… even by accident? *nudges their drink closer*
Suspect: dude stop
Me: *mouthing* ᵀᵃᵏᵉ ᵃ ˢᶦᵖ
my dentist hates when i call him a face gynecologist