Raising Twins
Twin 1: *looking at an old photo album* Is this me?
Me: I literally have no idea.
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No one is as glued to any piece of reading material as a parent counting down the songs in the program of a really boring school concert.
As a teen, I always imagined being an adult and saying things to my kids like, “Shut up, Beavis,” or “Stimpy, you idiot!”
But I can’t.
Not because I’m a good mom, but because they wouldn’t get the reference. And that really hurts.
AVENGERS ASSEMBLE!
THOR: “here”
IRON MAN: “here”
HULK: “here”
PHIL COLLINS – “here”
…
ok Phil how do u keep getting into S.H.I.E.L.D man
*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid we only had one uncoated pain reliever that started dissolving the second it hit your tongue.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*
Sarah Palin’s new Christmas book is her attempt at valuing the sanctity Christmas so she can sell books and make money just like baby Jesus.
I read murder mysteries for complicated plot lines, well rounded characters, and creative yet practical alibis.
I have yellow mustard, grainy mustard, dry mustard, mustard seeds, Dijon mustard, and horseradish mustard. That part of my life is in order.
Actually, I thought 50 Shades Of Grey was about Taco Bell meat.
“Can’t wait to see you this summer” they said
“I’m gonna miss you so much” they said
“Stop quoting me” they said
I don’t eat dessert for dinner nearly as much as I thought I would when I was 8
‘Christ on a bike’, ‘Jesus is my co-pilot’, ‘Jesus take the wheel’ – stop making an iron age carpenter operate complex machinery
Girlfriend: can you run to the gas station and get some gas
Me: sure
Gas station employee: how can I help you
Me: *sweating out of breath* gas please
Gas station employee: where’s your car
Wore my clip-on, flip-up sunglasses in my dating profile pic, because women don’t easily forget something like that.
EXPLORER 1: *looking at ancient symbols in pyramid* It says “Here lies updog”
EXPLORER 2: What’s updog?
EGYPTIAN SPIRITS: Lol
WIFE:
“At recess today, some kid named Billy told our daughter that he had butterflies in his stomach. Isn’t that adorable?”ME:
”That Miller kid? He’ll eat anything.”
*Timmy cries from the bottom of the well
*Lassie takes gloves off, looks both ways, then walks away casually
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
“About this postcard ‘Having a wonderful time wish you were here.’ Why didn’t you want me to come with you in the first place?”
“Then I would have had to reword it.”
I don’t know about you, but I could really go for a punch in your face right now.
Who needs Botox when some discreetly placed scotch tape and social distancing are a thing.
motivation
I was tired of losing my glasses so I put them on a chain. Now my hair’s in a tight bun, there’s a used hanky in the sleeve of my cardigan and I lick my index finger every time I turn a page.
All the junk foods you eat through the holidays can bind you up. It happens. But I have a colonoscopy coming soon so the prep will take care of all that.
New Year, new bowels. Gotta look for the bright side.
my son needs help with his math project so i did what any good parent would do. i slipped out the back door and started a new life in costa rica
to someone with x-ray vision two people making out look like skeletons that are really bad at eating each other
Hiking is a great way to get fresh air, exercise, and find spots to hide the person you murdered.
The USS B port
Him: I wonder if this dealership is open.
Me: Are you stupid? The parking lot is full.
Sometimes you drop things into that crack next to the driver’s seat and those things just belong to the vehicle’s next owner now
When someone says they worked like a dog, I’m envious because every dog I’ve ever known has done nothing all day long.