*struts into the new year
~ trips
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Incorporate the word ‘verily’ into casual conversations so they don’t know what century you’re from
i meant to share this earlier
When my wife picks a restaraunt that I don’t like, I just say “oh yeah, that’s where that really cute girl works”.
Problem solved.
If my bird identification app can’t pick up a bird I’m trying to identify because your lawn mower is too loud, I’ll drive my car through the side of your house.
I got a 20% pay rise this year. Not from my employer; they couldn’t afford to give pay rises after the big bosses got their bonuses. I just stopped doing any work on the one day a week I work from home.
I got a Ouija board tattooed on my back to trick ghosts into giving me massages.
If somebody stops to ask me directions, I give them directions to my house. see you in twenty minutes new best friend.
I can’t believe how different life was before
*googles*
Al Gore invented the Internet
Wife: You’re so lucky, I’m like a trophy wife!
Me: Wow, I’d hate to see what they gave to the second place guy.
Some of y’all need Jesus and I say this as an atheist
If you drop the entire pan of pasta on the floor at dinner time don’t panic just grate some cheese on top, give each of the kids a fork and call it Floor Pasta Thursday
Being a brown man is hard but it would really suck if one day I failed a CAPTCHA & found out I was a robot on top of that
My 8yo wants to make her tween sister’s birthday cake. My tween is mad because she wants to make her own cake. I suggested she have 2 birthday cakes and now everyone is upset.
Apparently the solution to all life’s problems is not more cake.
*phone rings*
“Yeh hi who’s this? Sure he’s here hold on.. Drastic Measures! Call for u.”
“Who is it?”
“Drastic Times”
*crowd goes wild*
me *limping*
wife: What happened to you?
me: I took a nap
disney: we want a nice elegant design that just says ‘Walt Disney’
graphic designer: Walt Gisney
disney: looks great
BLIND DATE TIP FOR WOMEN: Throw a fork into the wall behind ur date so he has to turn around, to make sure he doesn’t have a hidden ponytail
*cracking knuckles, sharpening ax, loading 12-gauge*
Alright, it’s time to recite some poetry
Genie: I want infinite bananas
Banana Salesman:
Genie: Do u see how annoying that is
I don’t need a woman to save me from my bad choices per se…but if she knows how to tie a tourniquet, that’s a plus.
Ugh, stalkers are horrible.
You’d think SOMEONE could’ve let me know I was out of toilet paper.
Somebody in my gang is an undercover police horse. I’ve narrowed it down to Dave, Kyle and Sugarcube
SORRY MISTER, BUT MOM SAYS I CAN’T GET IN YOUR VAN UNLESS THE CANDY’S SUGAR-FREE.
My husband: Can I ask a really stupid question
Me: More than anyone I know
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
I decided to clean my closet and found a tangled necklace so i spent the next 30min untangling it and then took a well deserved 2hr break
HBO’s Cookie Monster is much darker
I saw reduced fat wheat thins at the store and I thought, is this hell?