he died doing what he loved: trying to put socks on with wet feet while standing next to a cliff
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You guys know that there are things higher than kites, right?
My mate called me an idiot for always getting my idioms wrong but it takes one to know someone.
60% of Americans? That’s almost half. 🙂
if you’re out and you see a heart attacking someone you’re allowed to make a cardiac arrest no questions asked
My boss just criticized me, saying that my writing is almost unintelligible and unbecoming a professional, but I don’t think it’s portmantotally malapropriate.
When my 3yo doesn’t take a nap someone always tells me, oh she’s gonna sleep good at night. It’s almost like they can’t feel the heat coming off the hell that’s about to unfold when I tell my 3yo it’s time for bed.
Nothing is better than a home cooked Thanksgiving dinner
Now that I think about it, I don’t believe Arnold Schwarzenegger and Danny Devito were twins at all
I remember a simpler time when squirrels didn’t jump up on your picnic table and try to muscle you off your poutine.
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
my ex-girlfriend walks by with her new man and he’s talking loudly about muskrats. I used to talk loudly about muskrats
Whenever anyone smiles at me, I change all my passwords.
[after having one kid then having twins]
wife: we should have sexfibonacci: absolutely not
me: you take my breath away!
scuba instructor: sir, just give me the tank
Not to brag but I just filled up the gas tank and doubled the value of my car
I’ve been singing “it’s the most wonderful time of the year” to my kids in honor of school starting, and wow, are they mad about it.
Buying new glasses this week, so a whole bunch of you are about to get a whole lot uglier.
My neighbor’s dog is so popular that every time he barks, the neighborhood dogs RT him.
Not to brag but drunk me just decided to start taking pictures for sober me in the morning…
Date: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a script editor.
Me: Are you any good?
Me: No.
Rather than changing the clock on your oven simply cook your food an hour ago.
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they come back, it’s a phoenix
First day of gondolier training:
You mean I have to stand…STAND on the tip of this boat ALL day rowing with one oar?
Singing. You have to sing.
Sing?! How could this job be any worse?
Wait, let me get your costume.
I only do cardio because it’s impossible to stalk someone you can’t keep up with.
She said she liked it doggy style…
…but when I threw the frisbee, she didn’t even budge.
If someone asks what you do for a living and you reply “I’m a lunatic” they won’t ask any more questions.
We leave the TV on for our dog when we go out. Yesterday my wife left on the Bravo channel and they were showing a marathon of The Real Housewives of New Jersey. He now starts meaningless fights with other dogs in public and has a drinking problem.
Me: *trying to fill the void with food and booze*
Fellow Astronaut: THAT WAS 12 YEARS WORTH OF SUPPLIES!