Flight delayed due to engine issue heard maintenance guy say “turned it off and back on” oh great I feel very comfortable with that solution ty.
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I asked my neighbor’s 5 yr old if he wanted a baby brother or sister and his reply was he just wanted chicken nuggets
If you just hang in there life gets really good by episode 4000
Whenever I am with my family and someone says, “Wow, you have a beautiful family!” I reply, “Well, we left the ugly ones at home.”
My sister had a baby today. I think I’ve used that as an excuse to get out of more stuff this week than she has.
[at the vets]
He’s really bad. He can’t fly.
“He’s a cat though.”
[very sarcastically] oh I’m sorry is this the vets or the excuses clinic?
Personal Trainer: No pain, no gain
Me: Deal
how much longer is mercury in the microwave i don’t know if i can handle it
A macaron is just an oreo that studied abroad.
I do my civic duty. I vote, I give to charity, and when my teen wanted a Nirvana shirt, I made sure she knew who Nirvana was.
Introducing new iPhone 5 features:
– Patented Ultrablack color technology.
– Siri is less of a cunt.
– Contains 1 mg of Steve Jobs’ ashes.
god’s mom: clean your room or i’m throwing away those toys
god: moooom, they’re not toys. they’re dinosaurs!
[shows up late for first day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour*
[shows up late for second day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour 2*
Imagine kissing a frog and it turns into a Prince. Like, great, now I gotta go find another sexy frog
Shark Week is just another made up holiday to sell more sharks
Canada’s got it right, when they don’t want a citizen, they just convince them they have talent so they move to the US. #JustinBeiber
The two FIFA World Cup 2014 songs are Ole Ola & La La La.
Our linguistic evolution as humans never ceases to amaze me.
[first day as a Twitter designer]
Never mind an edit button. What people really want are round avis.
Sushi’s just never quite as good re-heated the next day.
What about “BusinessMyspace”? Nah, it’s taken. Okay, what about “LinkedIn”?
You know how your mom used to get mad and start counting? I think the Earth is at twwwoooo.
I don’t wanna get too political here, but I plan on voting for whichever candidate will do something about Meghan Trainor.
[being interviewed from a lily pad in a fetid bog] I mean, if you think about it who hasn’t lied to a witch at some point?
Why did they call it bacon fat and not oinkment omg I’m so sorry
When I see someone texting and driving I swerve my car into them and try to run them off the road cause texting and driving is illegal.
Don’t know how to delete tweets so please just disregard the one earlier in which I claimed to have “definitely broken the world land speed record” by running very fast down the hill near my house. I have since looked it up and I accept that I underestimated the current record
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh, guess who’s awoken the tickle monster?
GOD: ask me anything
ME: why aren’t there middlecase letters?
GOD: *reaching for a button labeled “flood the earth again”*
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
Hey I got your text but then I died, I’ll probably like resurrect when we accidentally run into each other though
Copied tweets with higher no. of RTs remind me of tht incident when Charlie Chaplin entered a Charlie Chaplin look-alike contest n came 3rd.