but your honor, i said “lol” afterwards
You Might Also Like
Hubs: Is that the same oreo as before?
3yo: No.
Hubs: Is that a new one?
3yo: Yes.
Hubs: Are you hiding them around the house?
3yo: …Yes.
My staunch refusal to procreate has deprived some very competent therapist of a vacation home.
doctor: I’ve written you a prescription here. Follow that and let’s check in next week. It should help with your symptoms but if it doesn’t we’ll know more.
chiropractor sprinting to double kick you in the neck: say goodbye to IBS
Man about to invent sparkling water: Water is so good but I wish that it tasted terrible and made me feel sick.
The grass in my backyard is growing flowers which means I am either really good or really bad at taking care of my yard.
the prime minister is a minister that is not divisible by any other minister
We have plumbers working in our house. I just heard one of them say “Lefty loosey, righty tighty.” I know we’re in good hands.
doctor: this may hurt
me: june doesn’t look much better
@KrangTNelson @funTweeters I am not a millennial, I am straight out the the 70’s and I make up new words to suite myself. Like you don’t get a spoonful of mashed potatoes you get a thwack of mashed potatoes because that is the sound it makes when they hit your plate thwack.
[overhears wife complaining about me on phone] he’s always overreacting and making a mess
*spits chocolate milk everywhere* ARE YOU SERIOUS?
Pro tip: If your full grown kid won’t move out just tell them their Christmas gift is in the driveway and lock the door when they go look.
let’s make a deal: if we’re both single when we’re 40 we’ll meet up together in a neutral area and hunt each other for sport
[Luxury hotel planning meeting]
Fluffy pillows?
Absolutely.Soft towels?
Definitely.Quality toilet paper?
Sandpaper is fine.
mortician: can you come ID the body
wife: what’s it wearing
mortician: just a pair of dress jorts
wife: anything in the pocket
mortician: chicken nugg-
wife: that’s him
If you’re ever lost in the woods and have a compass, the compass can help you be lost more north.
Dog (curled up, napping): I never poop on the carpet and I love cats.
Wife: Is the dog talking in its sleep?
“Shhh let sleeping dogs lie.”
I still have a toilet paper stash leftover from Y2K.
(Business)
Mike: It’s a sled. I call it the Mikesled.
Bob: I have a better idea.
*Three fingers stuck in my piggy bank
Firefighters: I’m not sure this is what they meant by stimulating the economy
When life gives you lemons, worship the elder Gods. Take candy from a baby. Drink from a trough of blood. Who cares? None of this matters
Facebook’s forever reminding me about people’s birthdays like I sell cakes😒😒.
I’d love to meet up with you but my squirrel says it’s a bad idea and I always listen to her
Her: My computer is running so slow!
Me: Really? How many browser tabs do you have open?
Her:
Me: Is it less than 500?
Her: Never mind.
Hey look! They named a candy after you!
*points to Dum Dums*
Me: What are we doing for Valentine’s Day?
My Husband: Raising three kids
I feel like people who end up on Dateline for committing murder don’t watch enough Dateline to plan their crimes accordingly.
If the shoe fits, wear it. And if these shoes belong to someone else, walk away briskly.
Me: you look tired. Would you like to take a little nap?
4: I wasn’t yawning. I was doing my yawning exercises.
i wish it was legal to speak up during a haircut if theyre doing something you dont want. sadly you just have to sit there
Hub said to go ahead and buy my own Valentine’s Day present.
Looks like he’s going to be very generous this year.