When deescalating an argument with your wife, always use empathetic phrases like “look lady”
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*demon enters my body
*20 minutes later, demon calls an exorcist
Me: Cute cat. What’s his name?
Date: Mr. Yum Yum Burger.
Me: Why can’t a cat just be Mike?
Date: I don’t see a future for us.
My memory is pretty bad until I’m pissed off, and then you are in for quite the surprise.
Absolutely cannot wait for the Jonas Brothers’ third film: Happiness Ends.
superman: can i borrow 500 bucks?
batman:
superman:
batman:
superman: [sighs] can i batborrow 500 batbucks?
batman: yep
getting the worlds most powerful noise cancelling headphones so i can go to concerts and listen to the studio version of whichever song theyre playing currently
Considering you can be anything you want on the internet,
it’s amazing how many choose to be stupid.
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot….. I then went inside and spent $447. Brillianty played, IKEA.
The lady from HR challenged me to name one of my boss’s good qualities and the best I could come up with is “he’s biodegradable”
Comments like this are why we can’t have nice things
I hate hipsters. Their smug faces, vegan diet, tiny feet & sawdust bedding. No wait. Hamsters. I hate hamsters.
Sometimes I like to think that at the end of a long day, the chips and dip in my kitchen see me and think, “We thought you’d never come back for us!”
Him: It’s like people are going feral.
Me: *looks in mirror*
*tries to run fingers through my hair*
*hand gets stuck in rat’s nest*
*flicks ham off my shirt*
*takes deep breath*
*straightens shoulders*
*lifts chin*It’s finally my time to shine. I shall be their leader.
Message to my Haters: i hope you wake up nineteen minutes before your alarm goes off tomorrow
Called in, “I’m a time traveler. I came in today yesterday.”
I sleep better naked, why cant the flight attendant understand that?
My parents are still threatening to put me up for adoption.
Someone die? Time to get high!
Come on down to Barry’s Death Emporium where we put the FUN in funeral and the RAVE in grave!
(BYO shovel)
I’m getting to the age where I could be a cougar, but Wikipedia says cougars are “slender and agile” which pretty much rules that out.
My Twitter clique is basically five or six people who have mistaken me for someone else.
I have been using teeth whitener, and now they are completely oblivious to the experiences and sufferings of other peoples.
It’s said that it takes 43 muscles to frown, but only 17 to smile which is why my face is ripped as hell
Waitress: ‘Do u have any questions about the menu?’
Me: ‘What kind of font is this?’
Me: Finally! A fridge with an automatic ice dispenser! This truly is the good life!
Also me: *reaches in to grab cubes with my hand EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.*
What a year we’ve had this week.
Who called it a yes man and not an indulge gent
“Morning, how was your weekend?”
My wife is leaving for work and I just told the baby “no pooping today.”
WIFE *walking in* omg I just saw the cutest dog driving home from work
ME: wow *scratches head* I wonder what sort of job he does
You haven’t truly made it on Twitter until someone recognizes you in the unemployment line and asks for your autograph.