You make a compelling argument, Morty.
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[Throwing a ball for my dog]
Dog: I’m not wearing the gown though
The main difference between barbers and land mine sweepers is that if the barber takes a off a foot or two, he’s having a GOOD day.
I love secret agent movies. You can never tell they’re hiding in plain sight because they are wearing all black and talking to themselves
*gets in huge line at the donut shop*
*taps foot*
*sweats*
*shakes*
*causally hums the Jaws theme until people get out of my way*
There are no more ventriloquist’s dummy comedians because the ventriloquist dummies killed them all.
They should combine weather forecasts with horoscopes. “Tomorrow there’s a 60% chance of rain and a 40% chance you’ll reconnect with an old friend.”
Just want to point out the NRA’s plan to stop school shootings is literally the plot of Kindergarten Cop.
Keep reaching for the stars but get a better deodorant.
A mom hits peak passive aggressive when faced with the request “tell me a story”
Well Billy, once upon a time there was a little boy who literally never picked up his shit
I think that news channel only hired you as a weather forecaster so they could see you get hit by a stop sign in a hurricane.
Every 60 seconds in Africa, a minute passes.
Current life status – By the time I figure out what nostril is plugged, it jumps to the other side.
*Becomes a black hole*
*Only absorbs corndogs*
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: No idea. I pretty much just zone out whenever I’m behind the wheel. Did anyone die?
60% of my childhood was spent showing all my work on math tests.
My house has been so messy lately, I’m making myself watch Hoarders to motivate me to clean it so I don’t end up starring in an episode.
People that still call into radio stations are probably doing it from house phones.
It’s the cat’s birthday today, so we made sure to do some of his favourite things, like birdwatching, eating my houseplants, and shooting a few rounds of pool.
once i get some clearasil, it’s over for you blotches
My new single, “New Single” is available now from my new album, “Available Now”, available now.
i handle all my disagreements like an adult
dance off pants off karaoke
Me: I’m going for a walk
Wife: Huh! I thought you were going to make fried rice?
Me: Yes, but you said to cook that right, I’ll need to use a walk
if you ever want to witness an Oscar worthy performance, ask any person from twitter their follower count and watch them pretend to not know
People on social media will threaten murder in the comment section of a cake recipe.
Surgeon: I can barely cut anything with this scalpel
Nurse: [whispering to patient] I’m sorry he’s just not that into you
Me: it’s better to give than to receive.
Daughter: what about my enemies?
Me: d-do you have any enemies?
Daughter: not anymore.
Me: what does that mean?
Daughter:
Me: you’re only two! what does that mean?
HER: Do you have any funny dating stories?
ME: [thinking about the time I wrote 2007 when it was actually 2008] Just one
I’d take Cap’n Crunch more seriously if his eyebrows weren’t on his hat.
Damn girl, are you my Boy Scout troop leader? Cause you’re making me pitch a tent.
I came.
I saw.
I forgot why I went upstairs.