wife: I found a hypnotist who can fix our oldest sons disobedience & dandruff
me: [nodding] a good heir conditioner
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@KrangTNelson @funTweeters I am not a millennial, I am straight out the the 70’s and I make up new words to suite myself. Like you don’t get a spoonful of mashed potatoes you get a thwack of mashed potatoes because that is the sound it makes when they hit your plate thwack.
[at a dinner party]
Me: hey can I get a picture of the table?
Everyone: *leans in, faces me, smiles*
Me: you’re all blocking the table
In case you’re having a bad day…there’s this.
Guy: I don’t deserve you.
Girl: Awwwww…you’re so sweet…
Guy: I don’t mean that in a good way.
I don’t really believe in the sanctity of marriage but i do like the idea of someone having to pay legal fees to break up with me
“Whatcha inventing?”
“I call it a picnic. It’s a meal but outside with bugs and a high risk of bear attack.”
“Can I bring my kids?”
“Sure.”
Blood is thicker than water, but rhinoceros poop is thicker than blood, so..
My kids keep asking for a cat, so tonight we’re watching Pet Cemetery.
If you remove all the segments where they tell you what’s coming up, Dateline is actually only 13 minutes long.
Obligatory April 25th Meme Tweet 😆
me: I’d like to buy that giraffe
zookeeper: I can’t do that, sir
me: [slips him a coupon for a free giraffe] how about now?
Zookeeper: don’t be ridiculous. this is only valid on Wednesdays
Amish guys have to rowboat their wives.
Sorry about that time I gave you advice that would have made your life ten times better. Good thing you chose to completely ignore it. Phew.
*gets crushed by a bus*
*checks to see if phone is intact*
Between the polyester and hairspray, it’s surprising more people didn’t spontaneously combust in the 80s.
Gas prices are so high I’m riding my Roomba to work
My husband and I are having a Fitbit competition, so every day when he leaves for work I attach mine to our dog. I’m averaging 25,438 steps a day.
BREAKING NEWS: Rihanna won’t be attending this year’s #MetGala after a back injury sustained from carrying the entire weight of the event for years.
Me: You should really try this lip gloss
Her: this is super glue
Me: HEAR ME OUT
why is there Head & Shoulders shampoo. who has hair on their shoulders. whos shampooing their shoulder hair. please come forward
*me, getting murdered*
Wife: Could you at least let him take out the garbage first?
My husband noticed my wedding rings on the dresser and was upset about me not having a visible sign of our covenant to each other
I told him the bags under my eyes said taken loud and clear
This is me 🤣🤣
welcome to your 40s, the first song you ever made out to is being used to promote mutual funds
The opposite of Mariachi is Divorciachi
I hate when millennials make up new words and demand that we all use them. people should only communicate like they did before we started making up all these words: using short grunts & hitting each other over the head with large knobbly clubs
This kid’s parent is the WORST at taking pictures lmfaooo
Genie: You have three wishes.
Me: First, I would like a time machine.
*travels back in time a few minutes now owning a time machine*
Genie: You have three wishes.
“Want to come watch the game Saturday at 8:00?”
Well I’m going rollerskating at 1:00, so yeah I should be out of the hospital by then.