My sister forgot the words for “national anthem” and just suggested we learn the “Canadian Theme Song.”
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Well, Boatloaf, it began as a typo.
But as soon as I saw it I knew: one day it would be the name of my son.
when you’re locked out of the house and you can see your keys sitting right there on the table
Might see you guys in 15-25yrs. Weekend with my folks & it’s only a matter of time before I snap.
Not sure if the bulb for my check engine light finally burned itself out or if my car magically fixed itself, but I’m going with the latter
A gorgeous woman’s been staring me down from across this cafe for an hour. The wildly handsome man directly behind me must be super jealous.
Breaking news from My dog!! there ar Small animals outside sometimes, but especially Right Now.
Wait…was it my left or your left?
-me as a surgeon
Me: Why is a squid throwing away all my stuff?
Calamarie Kondo: What
Schedule your appointment early in the month before your dentist starts fretting about their next boat payment.
Why is it PIZZERIA and not PIZZARIA?
– my brain at 2:00 am
[Back at her place]
Date: talk dirty to me
Me: uhh…dust is basically just flakes of dead skin
Date: Eww, wtf?
Me: I mean… uh, limescale can shorten the life your kettle
I can’t stop laughing at this I haven’t stopped laughing at this for the last 45 minutes
One thing twitter has taught me is that someone, somewhere in the world is thinking exactly the same thing you are.
When I die, I want them to write that I died of supernatural causes, but offer no explanation.
1st Date
Me: Just warning you. I get freaky.
Her: Oh yeah? How freaky.?
Me:*thinking of using pizza rolls as a pizza topping* So freaky.
My mom always put safety first. She used to warn me about running with scissors as we rode in her convertible with no seatbelts going 80 mph on the highway after she had a few beers.
Manager: Why do you want to work at Comcast?
Applicant: I’ll get you an answer in about a week.
Manager: Brilliant! You’re hired.
I find it funny when an actor starts off a movie doing an accent and then it mysteriously disappears like their paycheck just cleared
Oprah says we all have a small child inside of us longing to get out & omg why isn’t anyone talking about Oprah eating children?
We value your privacy. We always get top dollar for it.
*steps away from meeting to send my sister a puking emoji*
*tucks an errant lock of my gynecologist’s hair behind her ear with my toes*
If he:
-Changes his entire look for you
-Travels 1,900 miles upstream to chase you
-Procreates and dies
-Replenishes an entire ecosystem with his carcassHe’s not your valentine, he’s a Chinook salmon
the boss has a new hairpiece and i’m trying real hard not to laugh
Good slumber party questions:
– What’s the furthest underground you’ve ever eaten a burger
– How many necks have you touched
– What’s pesto
I just passed a beer truck on the highway.
“Wait a minute. I’m named after beer?!!?”
-My 6 yr old son, Miller
[walking down street with date after dinner]
him: i had a great time
me: yep… [gestures towards garbage truck] welp, this is me [jumps in]
[SPELLING BEE]
“Your word is HOTELIER”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“I bet my hotel is hotelier than yours”
COP: “Sir, do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “It was way easier than solving a murder?”
I should’ve peed first
– my headstone