WHAT I SAY: that’s one way of looking at it
WHAT I MEAN: in the history of stupid things said by stupid people, what just came out of your mouth is, by far, the stupidest. If there were stupidity trophies, yours would be gold plated and set atop a plinth reading STUPID.
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If you’re out shopping today I’m a size Nordstrom gift card
Yea girl, he’s your soulmate. And her soulmate, and her soulmate, and….ya know.
What
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
*shopping*
4yo: I found pajamas with a t-rex on them. We can go home now
Me: We need other stuff too
4yo: No. This is all we need. Let’s go!
[my first day on the international space station]
*grinds pepper over food*
Oh.
Oh no.
Werewolves, vampires, and zombies are always so hungry-desperate to bite people and turn them into companions.
Shout-out to witches for being cool about that shit.
its a good thing we swallow 8 spiders a year bc if it werent for those spiders, we’d be swalowing hundreds of flies and smaller insects
Life advice: If someone ever tells you “I’ll be there in thirty minutes”, you should ALWAYS respond with “You’ve got twenty” and hang up.
On my last flight I watched a woman in front of me pull out her hair and eat it until I fell asleep. Can’t do that in first class.
I thrive on chaos!
*breaks spaghetti noodles in half*
I never understood how a mother could lift a car with a child trapped under,
until my phone got stuck under my bed.
Remember when we thought 2016 was a terrible year and wanted it to be over?
Good times.
Me: Will you marry me?
Girlfriend: No.
Hot air balloon pilot: It takes me about an hour to land this thing so this is now awkward.
First date idea: We go magnet fishing for that cool knife I threw off the bridge because I thought the cops were after me.
I love twitter
Hell hath no fury like a cat reminded there’s food in their bowl.
My 16-year-old wants to know how old he needs to be before I remove the window-lock safety feature on the car. My 21-year-old says she’d love to know too.
You know something I’ve discovered?
This Twitter. It’s not about a high follower count, or a supposed ‘cool ratio’ or viral tweets.
It’s about the people you connect with.
Once you realise this, you’ll enjoy your experience here so very much more.
❤️🧡💛💚💙💜❤️🧡💛💚💙💜
Kid: would you rather be the Evil Queen or the Wicked Witch?
M: I’d rather be the Mom
K: ooh, right. Much scarier.
[finally rich enough to go to a tailor]
“How can I help you sir?”
One clothes please!
The fishmonger at our local market is always pretty unfriendly.
I’d describe him as a little standoffish.
My child saw my high school senior picture and practically screeched “MOM WHY DIDNT YOU TELL ME YOU WERE PRETTY??!!” so you guys just go ahead without me
I just caught myself saying “oh this is a nice spatula” while shopping at Target & now I want to hit myself in the face with it.
My toddler just spent five minutes explaining that he can’t use his imagination because he traded it to a kid at daycare for some fruit snacks. Ok, bro.
Unimpressed
I believe this to be the best photograph of a dog ever taken in human history.
Chicago launched an innovative new ride-sharing program today and the way it works is some guy stole my bike.
Our 10 year old keeps asking me for his first mobile phone and every time he does I ask him ‘who you gonna call?’ and until he answers me correctly he sure as shit isn’t getting one