*At a restaurant, 3yo not sitting still*
Aunt Lisa: What’s wrong, dude, do you have ants in your pants?
3: *Looks stunned, drops pants*. Can you get them out?!
Parents, let this be a reminder that young kids will take 99.9% of what you say literally.
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That moment 4yo becomes a better negotiator than you.
4: “Can I have one?”
“No.”
4: “Okay just 2.”
“No.”
4: “Alright. 3 and I won’t ask again.”
My dad went from “no man is good enough for my little girl” to “would you just pick one already? Jobs aren’t even that important” real quick
I don’t understand why everyone hates the rich. Without them who would….
*checks notes*
…trash the economy repeatedly with no consequences?
All the king’s horses and men stand over Humpty. Puzzled, they go back to reading the IKEA instructions.
[scene of wreck]
cop: do you want an ambulance
me: no I’ll probably just buy another car
therapist: whats the problem?
me: i keep having a reoccurring dream where there are five of me and we’re all yellow.
therapist: sounds like you’re bananas
I wonder if tap dancers walk into a room, look at the floor and think, “I’d tap that.”
We rescued an injured coyote once but were totally unprepared for how many Acme products they order.
I dunno why but this feels like a trap
My son went over to a friend’s house & his Mom asked when we wanted him home. From her expression I think she was expecting a time, not day.
Reasons my 4yr old is crying:
She lost her very favorite book but she doesn’t remember the title or what it’s about.
The grass is greener on whatever side of the fence you water it. Stay in your own yard. Trespassers get shot in my yard.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
Honey, do you think if we met now instead of 15 years ago, we’d still marry each other?
{turn to see husband shaped hole in the wall}
BOSS: “Send that email to the client and copy me-”
Me:*Boss voice* “Send that email to the client and copy me”
Dear Tech Support,
I twied to puth my tongue in tha USthB port again. Canth you helpf?
Welcome to ghosts anonymous. Nice to see such a spirited turnout.
*all of the ghosts boo in unison*
[highspeed chase]
ANCIENT GREEK COP: Damn they’re getting away *turns on Siren*
[several nearby ships are lured to their doom]
Cinderella was a mess. I mean, I have bad taste in men, but at least I never settled for a guy who couldn’t remember what my face looked like.
You’d be surprised how much of parenting is reminding your children not to eat soup with their hands.
Had to change my work password twice today and I’m rapidly running out of Brendan Fraser movies.
King: the rebels are revolting
Rebels: wow hurtful why would you say that
King: no, no, I mea-
Rebels: why king
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
Me: one pill pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: no just one pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: pls only one pi-
Pill Bottle: SILICA PACKET lmao
It’s important to remember where you parked the get away vehicle.
*wakes up early on weekend
*makes 12 pancakes
*wakes kids up“Daddy, can we have waffles today???”
*eats 12 pancakes
Thank you to all the people who gave their lives figuring out which mushrooms we can and can’t eat.
*smuggles cake (containing saw) into escape room*
I don’t trust people who keep their jackets on after they’ve arrived.
That’s what I do when I’m going to escape.
“Archeology is just like search and rescue only everyone’s been dead for 5,000 years, so there’s no rush”