“It’s only eight o’clock” he says like that’s not late as shit.
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OMG I opened the door to let the dog in and there was a slug on the door AND IT GOT ON MY HAND SO I SCREAMED LIKE A TODDLER AND THE DOG ATE IT TO PROTECT ME. And now we are both embarrassed.
As my grandma used to say, if a bear is sitting on your couch, you’ve drunk too much. If you’re not drunk, why aren’t you running?
Everybody knows Tuesdays are the second marriage of the week. Optimistic. Hopeful. Definitely not like Monday, that so-and-so.
I’m starting an emu farm and calling it ‘no fly zone’ so the birds don’t feel bad.
Shout out to my self-aware friends, you know who you are
I’m not doubting that you’re 1/8th Pond People, but this is a research paper. You can’t cite “BOG WISDOM”
I’m sorry, I’m going to have to cancel, I’m completely snowed in
Drunkenly got behind the wheel last night
If I was a pug, nobody would give me funny looks for slobbering in public or eating food off the floor.
Yes, of course I love French films.
Have you seen Rugrats in Paris?
It doesn’t qualify as a murder mystery unless the detective describes the crime in detail, turns to the least likely person in the room and says, “but you probably already knew that… didn’t you?”
You collect clowns AND porcelain dolls??
Are you sure you don’t want some help filling out your dating profile sir?
If your cat brings home a dead bird and presents it to you, don’t be rude. Take a little bite.
Him: You think I’m a liar just because I’m a man?
Me: You think I’m dumb just because I’m blonde?
Him: Yes.
Me: Glad we’re on the same page.
[dark alley]
Dealer: so what you want
Me: a gram
[dealer opens trenchcoat, revealing multiple grandmothers]
If I had a dollar for every time one of my kids said “Mom, you’re not funny”, I could buy a beach house.
And live by myself.
time travel is only valuable to me if it helps me find where I put my keys
Laughed hysterically and said “Oh yes, please do” after the pizza shop guy asked if he could put the sauce in my box. I think I scared him.
My greatest joy in life is when a friend reads a book I recommend.
My greatest frustration in life is when they don’t read it fast enough
idk who needs to hear this but if you ever need to move a lamb over a wall, here u go
Your mother and I want you to know that we love you very much, so that’s why we’re getting a divorce and marrying you instead.
y’all make fun of men without bed frames but guess who physically can’t have monsters under the bed now, huh?
Friend, cradling a baby: I just love the smell of babies!
Me: Yes, delicious.*friend frowns; I discretely check my Conversational Human guide*
Me: Yes, “nice.”
I’m pretty like a car crash.
“would you still love me if i was a worm?” yes. more, in fact.
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!We will we will drink you
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!*pours vodka after bad day*
“It’s Christmas Eve, not Christmas Steve.” -confused homophobe
[after a zombie encounter]
me: you gotta shoot me
friend: but what if we find a cure
me: *aware of how much zombies walk* please
Two companies that hate each other? Probably KIA and …Nokia
A parade of slow walkers meander behind my car as I’m trying to pull out of the parking space.