I always sleep naked. I don’t care if it makes people uncomfortable, they can just switch buses.
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‘I have a ripe avocado at home’ is my favorite excuse for cancelling plans
did it work
Townspeople: [shaking pitchforks at me] BURN THE WITCH
Me: lmao go ahead I can take it
Townspeople: you have a dumb face
Me: [tearing up] ok I was wrong I can’t take it
Moms. The original autocorrect.
Blind dates are the best because they can’t see me stealing all of the food from their plate
a Pride of Lions. A Murder of Crows. a Fame of Pete Davidson Exes
My ex texted “You’ve got a friend in me. XoXo”.
I thought she was being too nice until I realized that she was talking about my buddy Dave.
All I need is to hear those 3 special words
“Want a sandwich?”
Him: Don’t make this weird.
Me: Then why am I even here?
Sure, sex is great, but have you ever shoved a bunch of pots and pans in the cabinet and shut the door real quick for the next person to deal with?
I gave my 12yo a punishment and she asked if I could pick a different punishment, thereby demonstrating that she does not, in fact, grasp the concept of a punishment.
Q: My daughter will not eat fish, what can I replace it with?
A: A cat. Cats love fish.
I tried calling off work this morning but my boss just screamed and threw his light up shoes at me and now we’re on our way to the park again
Can’t. I’m outside getting free lasik surgery.
If you don’t count the six chocolate chip cookies or the two dead bodies, my diet’s going pretty well today.
Dad: My mom warned me that nothing good ever happens after midnight.
Doctor: Sir, do you want to cut your baby’s umbilical cord or not?
Someone needs to invent an alarm clock that, if you hit snooze more than three times, will call in sick for you.
Me: Christmas is nothing but corporate greed!
Mom: Would you like some more gold leaf sugar sprinkled on your cocoa?
Me: Yes please.
A nice looking girl waved at me earlier today but there was no way I was swimming out that far to save her.
Houseguests should have a mandatory bedtime.
Don’t hate the game, hate the player who keeps sending you Facebook invites to play the game.
Me: makes the painful yet responsible choice to face the day
Universe: Here’s an actual dead fly in your cup of coffee
[At the police station]
Cop: can you describe the incident with this *checks notes* this Jabberwocky? Start from the beginning
Me: Twas brillig, and the slithy toves Did gyre and gimble in the wabe; All mimsy were the borogoves, And the mome raths outgrabe
Cop: okay what
those electric paddles they use to restart your heart but instead they perfectly grill your sandwich in 3 seconds flat
I want to run my fingers through your spaghetti.
Hair. I mean hair. Sorry, I’m starving.
These weekends are starting to feel as long as a lunch break.
doctor: your blood tests came back positive
me: oh thank god, I have real blood
You’re invited to my Oscar party! The theme is movie star cuisine which means there won’t be any food.
lower my casket into the ground and play “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” If you see someone not singing the Wimba Way part, kick them out.
Me: alright early to bed
Brain: nice
Me: need a good night sleep
Brain: rest is important
Me: don’t go saying shit to keep me awake all night
Brain: I won’t
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: you still awake?
Brain: my guy if you’re awake I’m awake we been thru this