GREAT WHITE SHARK: *Jumps out of water & eats seal*
JUST OK WHITE SHARK: *Frantically waves flipper to try & get seaweed off but can’t*
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What was more important than the invention of the first telephone?
The invention of the 2nd telephone
Is it just me, or do toasters have like 4 settings too many? They should have 1 setting that reads: “Toast”
Deleting dating apps because, if you’re not already sitting on my couch, we’re not meant to be.
What’s the weirdest thing your co-workers believed?
Me: Co-worker thought H2O meant hot water and CO2 meant cold water
J: Co-worker thought they taught a real lizard to talk in the GEICO commercials
My 2-year-old asking for her stuffed lamb while having a snack…
Daughter: “Where’s Lamby?”
Me: “In the crib.”
Daughter: “Go get him.”
Me: “Can you say please?”
Daughter: “I can’t say please with food in my mouth.”
[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: shape shifting
INTERVIEWER: is that so?
INTERVIEWER: yes
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
This burned out sign has given me the permission I need to take care of my neighborhood grocer once and for all
If I was a microplastic I would simply not go in the ocean or anyone’s mouth.
I’m a pancake in that I’m attracted to all cakes equally.
Me: I just want to be the hat girl at the gym.
Them: You mean hot girl?
Me: *on treadmill*
*wearing a ski mask, beret, and cowboy hat*
No.
*group chat*
Fellas, I think it’s time. I think I’m finally ready to be a dad.
[Tamagotchi has requested to join the chat]
when you gotta take the souls of the damned to the underworld, but need to reduce your carbon footprint
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
Wife: We are lost
Me: *driving a Nissan Pathfinder* LOL I think we’ll be fine
My wife said she enjoys my singing voice so I always sing “We Are The Champions” whenever I win at sex.
Take me down to Vatican City where the church loves greed and the Pope’s all quitty!
– Nuns N’ Moses
(I’m so sorry)
I told my 5 year old that he was allowed to choose 1 item from the grocery store so we’re walking home with a cart.
I luv putting on warm underwear straight out of the DRYER…
Plus, it’s fun to figure out who they belong to at the laundromat.
When a Midwesterner buys something at a significant discount it’s important to deflect any compliments about the item and explain how cheap it was
This is up on a telephone pole in south Minneapolis and I am dissolved in laughter:
DISNEY: A princess is strong!
ILLUMINATION: Minions are silly.
PIXAR: The meaning of life is not actually one answer, but the totality of an individual’s lived experiences, rarely appreciated without the wisdom of hindsight.
The 1st rule of idiom club is loose lips sink ships. The 2nd rule is don’t let the cat out of the bag. Last but not least, the 3rd rule.
My diet plan consists of multiple naps.
Because you can’t stuff your face when you’re sleeping.
Is Fergie totally done spelling stuff? Because “mischievous” sometimes stumps me and I’d appreciate a song about it.
Waiter: What can I get you?
Me [forgetting the word “waffle”]: I’ll have a graph biscuit.
You can’t hurt my feelings, pffft, I have three kids
Adding urine to your compost is a great way to add nitrogen to the soil AND get a restraining order from the neighbors.
Airlines: $35 to put your bag on our plane
Airlines: $16 for bag of chips
Airlines: Sorry you want your *legs* to fit? $75
Airlines: haha, you have to fork over an extra $50 to choose the seat you already paid for
Airlines:
Airlines: Oh no someone help us we r out of monies
Daniel slept in a lions den
Peter slept in a prison
Jesus slept in a stormNo matter the circumstance, you can always take a nap.