*has elbow pain*
*checks WebMD*
*buys a burial plot*
You Might Also Like
god: ..and this part is your crust
earth: i’m a pizza 🙂
god: no that’s-
earth: everybody loves pizza 😀
god: but
earth: i’ll be treated so good forever and ever :’)
god: [deep breath in] here’s the thing
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
My 2 year old asked me for potato and kept getting mad at me when I gave her potatoes to eat.
It took a good 20 minute meltdown before I figured out that she calls play-doh potato.
Learning a new language has been hard for both of us.
I got 66 problems and being upside down is 1
23 Mind-Blowing Ways You’ll Never Get Back the Time Spent Reading This List
Got fired from Taco Bell because I was lick-sealing the burritos like a joint.
Vacationing Putin fished, hiked, swam, and wrestled a bear.
Vacationing Trump rode a golf cart to his other golf cart.
Inside you are two wolves. Inside each of them? You guessed it: two more wolves. Are there two wolves inside each of those two wolves? You better believe there are. You are a wolf pyramid scheme, my friend.
You OK? You’ve barely touched your crocssant!?!
The cure to missing someone is just remembering what an asshole they really were.
Bruce Willis is relaxing by his pool. he’s got so much sunscreen on that he slowly slides off his lounger, out of the gate & down the road
awesome draft from months ago i just found
I like how all these people are acting like they’ve never seen a naked 37 year old man fight 3 security guards at a mall food court before.
I possess a devastating combination of perfectionism and incompetence
I establish dominance on the first date by yawning.
Rise and shine, let us get back to normal life today 😂😂😂
“Eat your dinner so that lamb didn’t die for nothing” – will ensure you get your daughter’s helping, too.
I planted grizzly DNA under my fingernails so when I choke on doritos the medical examiners assume I was strangled by a bear but fought back
[funeral]
WIDOW (sobbing): i’ll never see him again
ME: what if there was a way you could
WIFE (knowing im about to pitch my idea for Above Ground Cemeteries Inc): we should leave
I was going to clean my house but decided to stop inviting people over instead
Every time you reply to a text from your ex, Taylor Swift completes another album.
Don’t be an enabler. Drop the phone.
I’m like Princess Peach in the way that I’m useless in a dress.
Googled woodworking. Broke my coffee table down and built a birdhouse. Desk is now a birdhouse too. Pretty much everything’s a birdhouse now
Who called it a pillow fight and not attack with a bedly weapon?
Thank you.
An alarm clock that texts your boss for you the fifth time you press snooze
Today I’m grateful that I fit through my doggie door and that my bulldog didn’t bite my face off as I was making my way through
HER: I’m pansexual.
ME: Oh, cool.
*quietly nudges a cabinet door shut with my foot, hiding my pots and pans*
Doesn’t count, officer, you forgot to read me my amanda rights!
“Your what?”
You know, my… [mumbles] banana rights.
Behind every HD picture of a girl, there is a
friendzoned DSLR photographer boy 😛