People keep inviting me to stuff. I miss the pandemic.
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My high must be wearing off, because that cop car that pulled me over 20 minutes ago is starting to look like a house with Christmas lights.
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
When a movie says “Based on a true story.” it means this is sort of what happened but with way uglier people.
My 5yo believed the classmate who said that a snake struck him in the mouth and knocked out his two front teeth, but she won’t believe me when I tell her that she MIGHT like what I’ve made for dinner.
that co-worker that never lets you get your shit done.
My Cat Made Me Think She Didn’t Have Dinner Yet. I Never Thought I Could Fall For A Scam. My latest in The Cut.
Hagrid: you’re a gizzard Harry
Harry: i’m a what
Hagrid: a blizzard
Harry: a what
Hagrid: a scissors
Harry: what
Hagrid [in tears, trying so hard]: a squidward
I grew up in a really small town. The closest thing we had to food delivery was someone egging your house.
[history times]
THE EARL OF SANDWICH: By placing the meat between two pieces of bread, one keeps one’s hands neat for playing cardsHIS COUSIN, THE DUKE OF HAT-WITH-TWO-CUPHOLDERS-AND-CRAZY-STRAWS: I also have an invention
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to school every day?
Me: Because they watch you for free for 7 hours
Uber is going to choose a new CEO in 4 minutes. Now 5 minutes. Shit now it’s 11 minutes away, why is it going in the opposite direction
“Al-Qaeda: ‘ISIS Goes Too Far’.” Ah the Middle East, where al-Qaeda is the voice of moderation.
Can’t believe how divided we’ve become over an election. It’s not like it’s the color of a dress or something.
Forget sexy talk. I want breakfast talk. Describe those waffles to me nice and slow.
There are many to choose from but my favorite quote from the Godfather is when he says “it’s-a me, The Godfather”
Older generations using outdated references is like younger generations using new slang. Both laugh at the other for not getting it.
[spelling bee finals]
JUDGE: your word is “asterisk”
KID: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: *adjusts mic* yes
*sticks a pencil in your ear and manually rewinds you back before you opened your mouth*
“Can’t beat fresh apple pie” she says, setting 1 down. I slam my fist into it. 3rd degree burns. “Wrong” I whisper 4 hrs later in the ER.
I’m not saying you’re stupid, but you look like the kind of guy who’d play Russian roulette with an automatic pistol.
If I ever go missing, put up fliers saying I left a dog in a hot car so people will actually look for me.
the earth is not round nor flat. the earth is chicken tenders
{first date}
HIM: Your profile says you like Shakespeare. What’s your favorite?
ME [nervous]: Uh…William?
if a pea-brain is someone with a small brain, then a peacock is someone with a …? no?
I followed you because you’re hot
-Mosquitoes
When your 1st kid crawls into your bed, you carry them back to theirs. 2nd kid crawls into your bed, you let them stay because you’re tired. When the 3rd kid gets into your bed, you go sleep in theirs and it’s the best night you’ve had in 8 years.
The truth will set you free.*
*In the middle lane of Interstate 25 during rush hour.
Me: I don’t know how to ride a horse
Whiskey: Yes you do
Goldilocks taught me that you can get away with breaking into a brown family’s home and stealing their food, as long as you’re a white girl.