She says she only drinks wine to collect corks for her Pinterest project, which is pretty cool cause it looks like she’s building a castle.
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(tickling you a little) add me to your cell phone plan dude cmon
wife: What would you do if 9 told you he was gay?
me [looking for the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
Nothing.
My dad, leaning on the fence at the edge of the diamond: GO TO FIRST BASE. GET TO FIRST BASE
Me, enjoying a picnic with my date: dad please
You’ll be able to find love if you’re a good person, but first your parents need to die.
-Disney
Him: “So, what made you agree to this blind date?”
Me: “I really need to feel something inside me other than my demons.”
Him: “Wait, wh-?”
My demon: “Shush! Let her finish. Can you believe this guy?”
Me: “I know, right?”
I’m convinced that blame is the fastest human reflex.
Can’t believe New Zealand are introducing a new flag just as I finished memorising the old one.
Getting married lost its appeal as soon as I figured out that acquiring a maid of honor wasn’t going to get my floors washed.
*Godzilla screeching in pain as he accidentally steps on Legoland*
No one should be surprised that so many tweets are about unhappiness and failure. You don’t end up on Twitter by making good life decisions.
Who called them ghosts instead of post-existing conditions?
“As first lady you would be responsible for the White House china. Any thoughts?”
MELANIA TRUMP: Oh, Donald says he’s getting rid of China
“Is it better to be feared, or to be loved?” Cats chose both, and they’re doing fine
I was just complaining to myself about how lazy my daughter is until I realized she gets that from me so now it’s adorable and endearing, of course.
If the Earth was really flat, all the cats would have pushed everything off it by now.
still one of the greatest philosophical minds of our time
[Uncle Sam opening gifts at his July 4 birthday celebration]
*sigh* another stars and stripes top hat
If you were to open my fridge right now, you would ask yourself two things:
1. Why is there so much soy sauce
2. How did you make it past 14 years old
Granny, pay attention and don’t panic. I need you to think hard and tell me how many brownies you ate out of the blue pan.
Don’t become a scientist y’all, it’s a trap.
When it works, you gotta do more experiments.
When it doesn’t work, you gotta do more experiments.
My daughter once summarized a 10 minute story in 4 hours.
ME: *points at my “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*
CO-WORKER: *points at his own “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*
ME: *takes a sip from my “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*
CO-WORKER: *sips from his own “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*
ME: [eyes narrow] *draws “World’s Greatest Dad” sword*
[HONK HONK]
…one more honk and I’m gonna…
[HONK]
*gets out of my car*
*walks to the car behind me*
*feeds the driver’s goose some bread*
*bank robbery*
ROBBER: nobody moves, nobody gets hurt!
ME: *gazing tearfully at a pic of my long distance gf* too late
Do you think anyone fired from Twitter is decamping to their picturesque home town where their parents are about to put them in charge of a local Christmas project, and their only assistant? a handsome carpenter (who’s single)
Husband: *sleeping soundly*
Me: *shakes him* Honey, are you awake?
The opposite of Lorelai is Loretellsthetruth,
If you eat a king crab you are automatically in succession for the crustacean throne.
Ultracrepidarianism is the habit of giving opinions & advice on matters outside one’s knowledge or competence.
Or, as I call it, tweeting.