Whenever I’m sharing an elevator and someone reaches for the panel I gently push their hand down and say “no.”
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Remember when we had to smack the TV cause it wasn’t coming in clearly…I feel that way about too many people
5: Next year, I’m going to be 6, and my sister will be 2.
Me: Yup, that’s right.
5: And my brother will be 9.
Me: Good job.
5: And you’ll be fort-
Me: That’s enough math for now.
Me: *eating chips in bed*
Husband: I thought you said no eating in the bed.
Me: We live in a different world now.
Husband: So, I can-
Me: *interrupts* No.
My husband wants to install surround sound because apparently what our family really needs is to hear Let it Go with 360 audio.
Took an 11 year old to play golf and Ive now graduated from his butler to his caddie.
IN CASE OF FIRE BREAK GLASS
*breaks glass*
*a glazed honey ham pops out*
“Nice nice”
I’m speeding because I have to get there before I forget where I’m going.
The first person to eat a fortune cookie probably ate the paper too, which is unfortunate
You look at the top of your phone screen and see the ringer off and alarm clock icons and wonder when you got old and boring and responsible
My doctor says I shouldn’t get out of bed at 12:51 AM to make myself a sandwich but he hasn’t suggested who should do it for me.
There are many reasons relationships don’t work out.
DIstance should never be one of them.
You want them?
Go get them Xxx
A cool thing about kids is how they make you keep an open mind, like when your 3 year old wakes you up to ask “What if we were hotdogs?” and you’re like, oh damn what if
My 8-year-old just offered me leftover cashews from his lunch, asking “Do you want these nuts?” and I’m not mature enough to be a parent.
I’ve thought about this Onion headline nearly every day for 20 years
Top three meanings of “I was just joking”
3. I was just joking.
2. That sounded worse than I thought it would.
1. She looks angry, abort!
Cats are not mentioned in the Bible because they wrote it.
This milk is so far past its expiration date that I’m only going to have a small slice.
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
I wish for World peace.
Genie: Can’t do it.
Million dollars?
Genie: Listen bro, I lied on my genie resume.
Two guys in the airport bar are amazed a margherita pizza has no alcohol in it and they’re the reason you can’t leave bags unattended.
ME: …and that’s what the ‘sine’ function is used for
MY SON: I will never have to know this again in my life
ME: Oh you will son, trust me
{20 years later…}
MY GRANDSON: Dad?
MY SON: Yes?
MY GRANDSON: What’s the ‘sine’ function used for?
I’m not saying Coke is better, I’m just saying I’ve never heard anyone order a Jack and Pepsi.
We need to keep kids off drugs. It’s hard enough to find them without kids buying them too
I’ve just realised that Ryan Reynolds and Ryan Gosling are two different people.
not to brag but i don’t need alcohol to send texts i’ll regret
me: I was mugged by a snake
cop: was he armed?
me: *long pause* no
I see dead people. Although according to the charge sheet, the law refers to it as necrophilia.
God: Build me an ark.
Noah: A what?
God *pinching his nose*: A big boat.
Noah *looking around the desert*: A what?
I don’t watch wedding shows and get excited about getting married but I do watch Dateline and get excited about being murdered.
u guys got any snacks onboard here
If squirrels could talk, they’d have British accents.