I’ve seen or heard about Batman’s parents’ death so many times I feel like an accessory to murder for not going to the authorities.
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I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
me: [playing musical chairs]
wife: have you tried learning an actual instrument?
*starts the “Fight Fight Fight” chant in the background of the conference call as two people argue*
Oh, so my credit card company will call if they think there are “suspicious charges” but they won’t call to check on how I’m doing after seeing I went to the same McDonald’s twice in one day?!
When a waiter sees my disability and asks the person I’m with what I want to eat, I respond “Our telepathy is a bit off. You should ask me.”
Reminder: Please just hit the “RT” button on my tweets if you’re ugly. Don’t want people associating your busted face with my art.
butterfly in the sky, i can go twice as high?? You’re starting your song dissing a key pollinator? For what?
Me: I’m not delusional.
Squirrel: There she goes again.
I don’t always go outside but when I do I hit my forehead really hard on a shelf to make sure I look like an idiot.
We just walked into a Target and my wife said we don’t need a buggy and I don’t know what I’m supposed to do in here without a buggy to push.
You’re telling me that you paid eight dollars for a cup of coffee…
They don’t put any booze in it or nothin?
“Fluffy died today”
“Oh my god I’m so sorry, was he a cat or dog?
“He was a boa constrictor”
“Well that made me feel better”
My love transcends space, time, personal boundaries and several antibiotics
If you leave me a voicemail that just says “call me back, I have a question” I am coming to burn your house down.
If you see me at the bottom of a lake, mind your business. I’m relaxing.
Me: I think some people are just birds in disguise
Friend: Haha, can I tweet that?
Me: *narrows eyes* Can you what
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Me: his voice was much deeper than that. He had the chin of a man who had recently lost his watch
“We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal.” – A man who owned other men.
7yr old: Mum, what happens if you eat lots of tinsel?
Me: probably emergency surgery to prevent obstruction somewhere in your digestive system.
7yr old: *blank face* *small voice* you get tinselitis.
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Because of the ancient Roman literature puns?
Her: Yah
Me: But Aenid you
Me, bewildered: “What is this odd thingy?”
H: It’s called a wine stopper.
Me, whisper cries: “Why would anyone want to stop the wine?”
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, and one Superman.
So, in answer to your question – probably a bird.
*pushes you to the couch and latches on*
I’m a koala, and you’re my eucalyptus tree.
*pretends to eat your hair*
ME: I’m here for toilet pap–
COTSCO: WARM CROISSANTS
ME: But I…
COSTCO: 500 DISPOSABLE RAZORS
ME: I just nee–
COSTCO: BUCKET OF KIMCHI
ME: *spends $472*
BISON DAD: good bye, son.
BISON SON: thank you, dad.
Yes, I DO think “did you bring my pizza?” is an acceptable answer when you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks on the door.
Her: I just feel so alone
Him: Jesus loves you
Jesus: [awkwardly] Duuude shut up
ME: I wonder why you have to disclose if someone died in a house you’re selling, but not a car
COUPLE NO LONGER BUYING MY CAR: we can walk from here, I think
Girls, your friends lied when they said chopping your hair off looked cute. They are just happy that their man wont want to bang you