*phone rings*
“Yeh hi who’s this? Sure he’s here hold on.. Drastic Measures! Call for u.”
“Who is it?”
“Drastic Times”
*crowd goes wild*
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Don’t follow your dreams, I did once and ended up naked in the supermarket.
I thought I saw a spider on the floor…Turns out it was a paper clip.
It’s dead now.
No need to panic.
How you conduct yourself when using plastic wrap is the real you
[mysterious British man rescues me]
Me: How?
Him: Bond [introducing himself as we leave prison], bail bond.
Jesus’s ability to reheat food is a bigger question than his status as a deity……..
Thought I was having a good hair day. Mother Nature likes to keep my ego in check though.
She’s really good at that.
Gave myself a steam facial* today
*opened a bag of freshly popped popcorn too close to my face
Netflix and awkward silence?
My 4yo: Mommy do you know that a grownup could fit in a suitcase if they were really really flexible?
She’s making plans to dispose of my body y’all.
WIFE: It’s always best to overdress on your 1st day of work
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: You wanted to see me?
BOSS: It’s about your suit of armor
I’m not very good at makeup because I naturally have bad handwriting and it just translates to my face
“Honey, it’s time we talk to him about the roaches & the fleas”
“You mean the birds & the bees?”
“DEAR GOD WOMAN HAVE YOU SEEN HIS ROOM!”
Me: I made the best decision at that time with the information available
Narrator: he plugged his ears and said “la la la la” at the time
[dog walking a human]
*walks by a coffeeshop with its door open*
HUMAN: *tries to sprint in* COFFEE
DOG: woah boy *pulls leash* easy there
The wife’s clearing out the fridge before vacation so I’ve a pork chop, 3 slices of ham and 6 bacon rashers for dinner. The sad thing is knowing I can never again love her as intensely as I do right now.
If everything happens for a reason, explain Windows update.
us women should leave something 2 the imagination. for example it should always be unclear whether ur human or a mysterious glowing vapour
Had pizza for every meal, just one piece. Breakfast, lunch, snack, dinner. Four pieces total, but I’m 700 calories over budget which makes me want to eat the other four.
It’s bikini season, so you’re allowed to shoot bikinis as long as you have a permit.
Me: Do you like my jeans?
Her: They’d look better on my floor 😉
Me: *laying down on the floor fully dressed* OK…so now?
Her: ….
You can strip us of our rights,
our dignity and our freedom but know this; we will NEVER stop correcting your grammar.
I’m really shy in RL.
But on here, I can wildly yell “I hate corn!” without thinking twice.
As I basted the turkey, I swear I heard it say “just not in my hair”
Interviewer: describe a time when you were asked to do something you were uncomfortable doing and you declined
Me: no
me: what’s your sign
chef: spisces
[text from friend)
Her: You doing okay?
Me: Yeah I guess. Why, what have you heard?
i did not spend hours helping you clean your house just to be yelled at for hiding dishes in the oven
Sweet. Free refrigerators!
Before you react, just know that everyone’s is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Literally everyone.
Dave’s out back punching a hornet’s nest. Monica’s wrestling her grandma in the bathroom.
Nobody knows why. It’s absolute chaos.
it must be school picture day