if I would’ve known that you were going to ask me what I was thinking I wouldn’t have been thinking what I was thinking.
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All I’m saying is nothing is more annoying than people who ask “Why do you let them annoy you?”
Chaperoned my son’s field trip to the farm today. Didn’t lose any children! But this fluffy kid has been clucking the whole bus ride home…
[watching kids make snowman]
Me: Hey honey, do you still keep that thing hidden in your dresser?
Wife: Yes…why?
Me (pointing): I don’t think that’s a carrot they used for his nose…
Watch it bro, your mouth’s writing checks your body can’t cash. Because you write really sloppy with the pen in your mouth. Seriously, wtf?
Okay body wash, unless you’re caffeinated and drinkable, you can cool it with the “energizing” claims. You’re soap.
Biden: Maybe we make our own country and he won’t be invited
Obama: Joe
Biden: And MAYBE THIS TIME WE CALL IT THE BLACK HOUSE RIGHT BARACK
Is Mark short for something like Markathon?
My kids refused to eat the leftover tacos.
My wife said to throw them out.
So I did.Now I don’t know what to do with the tacos….
“Have you tried divorcing and restarting your marriage?”
– IT Department as marriage counselors
I just took enough Vicodin to kill a medium-sized Chipmunk. RIP Roy. Roy’s the hypothetical Chipmunk. I named him. Has anyone seen my legs??
Love is blind but I’m keeping an eye open from now on for you eating all the cookie dough pieces out of my ice cream
“THE WORLD IS GOING TO END!”
2012: omg please no
2016: are we doing this or not
Me: Night love.
11: Did you know the snow in the Wizard of Oz was made of pure asbestos?
When folks hear I’m a therapist they often say, “Hey I should talk to you.” and I’m like, “I thought that’s what we were doing.” Then we laugh and I send them an invoice for 150 dollars.
If I weren’t supposed to bring my cat, the wedding invite would say that, right?
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: 😮 hampire
4: can I have two little muffins?
Me: how about I give you one and if you finish it, I’ll give you another one
4: no I want two NOWWWW
Me: let’s start with one
4: NOOOO TWOOOO
Me: just one
4: TWOOOO
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: FINE *gives her two*
4: *eats only one*
[God making a planet for the first time and just constantly screwing things up]
Ugh, first world problems.
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
The package says “Do not eat raw cookie dough” but all I really see is “Pillsbury hates you and doesn’t want you to be happy.”
Thank you automatic ice dispenser.
I was hoping to get either 2 or 675 ice cubes.
My goldfish died. The good news is I’m inheriting a tiny treasure chest.
I have a picture of my uncle standing on a tank he and two buddies destroyed in WWII. I cut my fingernails too short and I might stay home.
Day 218 of making fun of CrossFit.
If God sent a flood to wipe out humans for being perverts what kinda nasty shit were the dinos into?
*eats hotdog like an ear of corn to avoid giving you mixed signals*
Cashier: how old r u?
Me:*holding beer nervously* uuh 21
Cashier:*shaking his head sadly as he pulls Trix out of my cart* Trix are for kids.
Hope my neighbors like my new pet howler monkeys
I sure do wish my gasts would stop getting flabbered