Satan [reading Chicken Soup for the Soul]: wtf this isn’t a cookbook
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I’m not gonna be able to come out tonight I already sat down
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
hate seeing someone driving a cement mixer and theyre mixing the cement as they drive. mix it at home and just drive
If I had to give up one of my senses what would I pick? My sense of impending doom, I guess.
hear me out…
…lasagna-flavoured cologne
not lasagna-scented, i said flavoured
*licks wrists*
To all the people who hate mayonnaise but love ranch dressing, sit down I have some news…
Some are mad Trump won.
Others are mad that the anti-Trumps are mad.
I’m mad that you open up a new bag of chips and it’s only 1/3 full.
Treadmills:
The only thing worse than running, is running and going nowhere.
Guys, I’ve never watched Succession or Ted Lasso. It’s like I’m some uncontacted tribe in the middle of nowhere
Take me down to the paradise city where the grass is green and hey why did you bring all these goats they’re eating this luscious grass.
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
I always leave my front door unlocked on my birthday just in case someone is planning to kidnap me in the morning and take me to breakfast 🙂 so far I’ve had zero birthday breakfasts 🙂 and two Blu-ray players robbed 🙂
I saw a guy and a girl doing high fives in a chemistry lab
and I thought, “wow they be bonding.”
[in conference room]
Coworker: What time is it?
Me: Time to get a watch, Carl *moonwalks out of room*
Kind of rude when I get home from vacation and my plants look better than when I left
[me, from cold stone] launch the missiles
[describing criminal to sketch artist] He had the damp chest of a man with an excessive lisp. He was eating a newspaper.
Ok, but like, how married are you?
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
check in with your friends but also don’t forget to check in on your enemies. make sure they’re doing bad
please tell me the Barbie movie ends with Barbie and Ken walking away from a massive pink explosion in slow motion and Ken says “come on, Barbie, let’s go party”
Got capsaicin in my eye again. I, justly, blame the squirrels.
I wash my whites separately but what do I do with the shirt I was wearing while eating spaghetti.
[reptile bar]
SNAKE CHARMER: Well ain’t you a cutie
COBRA *blushing*: tee hee
How old people make use of canes:
10% walking.
90% shaking & waving at whippersnappers.
Mom always said to wear clean underwear in case I got hit by a bus and I’m like “they wouldn’t be clean anyway mom!”
[1st day as a Crime Scene Investigator]
me: *vomits everywhere and passes out
training supervisor: “if thats your reaction to a W-4 form and an orientation packet then this might not be the job for you”
Her: Look…I asked you to fix this damn cabinet 3 years ago.
Me: For the record…you did preface it with “When you get a chance…”