Her: Do you have a date for Valentine’s Day?
Me: I do. It’s February 14th.
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“I wrote a song for you” he threatened.
Show your guy you love him by making him lasagna.
Write his name in the cheese.
Leave it on his porch.
His wife is home.
Write hers too.
Me: You’ve got to get up pretty early in the morning to pull one over on me
Son: Why? You go to bed at like 6. I’ll just wait till then
Fact: men are never too busy for sex. It’s been clinically proven, 9 out of 10 men will find time for sex while fleeing a burning building.
ON VOUS MENT !!! #NousSachons
If you say the word gaslighting 3 times in a mirror it summons Shaggy singing It Wasn’t Me
*Holds an old lady’s hand as I help her across the street*
don’t worry ma’am i’m sure the doctors can sew it back on
Travel bloggers during quarantine
Just finished a book about an immortal pet dog. I couldn’t put it down.
Never underestimate the power of karate to save a marriage.
Not right now, protecting the 50 lb pit bull from the scary washing machine.
*pulls up pants*
Me: It feels like I’ve got the world’s worst wedgie!
Proctologist: That’s normal.
M: …
P: Hey… Have you seen my glove?
Christian Bale named his son Burrito Bale when he could have named him Taco Bale. I want that noted the next time the conversation comes up about who’s the best Batman.
*walks up to salad bar and fills entire plate with bacon bits and chocolate pudding*
Instructions in the Men’s Room for hand washing. Because non-hand washers can’t be bothered unless there’s an opportunity to learn stuff.
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: I just wanted to see you.[4:07 am]
Me: Could I trouble you for a knife?
Waiter, knowing that all they have is 10,000 spoons: I have some inexplicably bad news.
I’m getting tired of always having to slowly raise my hand every time someone angrily asks, “Who does something like that?!”
Cop: so you went out to pick up some fruit when, out of nowhere, 3 ghosts attacked you?
Pac-man [wipes tears]: 4. It was 4 ghosts
I don’t always eat 100-calorie packs of anything, but when I do, I make sure and eat the whole box.
I weighed myself today,
then I ate the scale.
Of course, golfing is a dignified sport..
except for that time I got a cart stuck between two trees.
My 5-year-old is learning about exercise & endurance, but he keeps saying insurance. Yesterday, he asked me if you need good insurance when you run. I told him at my age, you had better.
Just wrote “except for you, spiders >:(” on my Welcome mat so that should be the end of that
*sees lawn gnome cartwheel into room*
*calls to renew prescription*
Turns out that “no tear” shampoo doesn’t stop your kid if they’re already crying.
Reduce your kids intake of sugary, fizzy drinks by shaking up the can before handing it to them.
The Lord alone–not science–will determine how many chickens can fit inside my motorcycle sidecar.