I instantly feel horrible when I judge someone, so I stopped.
Now I make rational conclusions based on insightful observations.
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Conversations with my pets:
Me: Please could you
Dog: OF COURSE!
Me: I haven’t said what it
Dog: I LOVE YOU!Me: Please could you
Cat: No.
The 70’s were tough. My dad would kick my ass if I died from a peanut allergy.
Me: Well, would you look at that. This Oreo package isn’t resealable. Guess I better eat them all.
Husband: But the seal is right th….
Me: *talking loudly* NOT RESEALABLE!
[Tracking an animal]
Me: *tastes the soil* Just as I thought. Dirt.
This is worse than season 7 of The Walking Dead
wife *sees chair* [thinking] That would look great with the new rug in the living room
me *sees chair* [thinking] Chair
This made me chuckle.
*Judge raises hammer* “I SENTENCE YOU TO LIFE” -*defendant chuckles* “I’m already alive you MORON!”
PRO TIP: leave the oven on at all times in order to avoid the hassle of pre-heating
When I have kids I’m gonna tell them drugs are good for them.
It’s the only way I can be sure they won’t try them.
[pulling the casket a few inches away from the wall during a funeral]
sorry just need to plug in my phone for a minute
Try and stop me.
*3am
Me: *thinking* That bird sounds pretty damn happy for the middle of the night.
Bird: *chirping* Dear God why can’t I sleep?!!!
Just saw an eagle swoop down and pick up a baby bunny, so cute when animals are friends!
Trump is the perfect candidate for American guys who secretly believe they could come out of the stands and score a touchdown
We are all made of stardust, and stardust maybe should have had a little less to drink last night.
I’ve been on my best behavior ever since the words “you can be charged as an adult” applied to me
[2 months into relationship]
HER: you’ve changed
ME: [proudly] showered, too
me: i hate my job
gf: why don’t you try living off the land
me: like in the sky?
gf: what
me: you’re right, i’ve been shackled by earthly bonds far too long
In America, feng shui is just aiming all of your furniture at the TV.
Siri, when does the restraining order expire?
My most solemn promise to my friends: If you’re caught in a time-loop, I will believe you. Do you die at some point in the day and wake up to relive it again? And again. And again. Tell me, I’ll believe you. We’ll skip the entire “convincing me” montage.
I. Will. Believe. You.
I have one of those signs in my house that says:
“Sorry for the mess,
We are making memories of mom being pissed off because we can’t listen the first 7 times to clean up our shit.”
Me: [sat in car]
Cop: u forget something? [Points at baby still on roof in his carrier]
Me: OMG yes [gets out & puts on his flying goggles]
Mark my words, but use something erasable cause I change my mind a lot.
Meteorologist – Be horrible at you job and no one really cares.
Pizza Delivery Driver – Be five minutes late and people lose their minds!
“Your scientists were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.”
911: What is your emergency?
Me: I love you.911: Hang up.
Me: No you hang up.911: Stop.
Me: This is so us.
Me: the floor is lava
Pompeii: everything is lava
Stop pissing me off or I’ll marry you