A girl with kaleidoscope eyes sounds horrifying.
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Surprise sex is by far the best thing to wake up to! …Unless you’re in prison.
My therapist doesn’t believe in werewolves so I left my last session with more problems than when I arrived.
VOTERS: we want to give a boat a ridiculous name
UK: no
VOTERS: we want to break up the EU and trash the world economy
UK: fine
Girl: I love Medieval Art
Boy: Who doesn’t? There he is now
Medieval Art: Good morrow! Pray tell- How fare thee on this day of providence?
Asteroid the size of two Newfoundland Dogs or five Goldendoodles or 12 Corgis or 27 Chihuahuas strikes earth off the coast of Iceland.
Me, in DM rooms…
You know the jack in a box that scared the life out of you when you were a child? That’s me as an adult cooking with my smoke detector
Watson was Holmes schooled
Gave money to a homeless man. A stranger lectured me on how he’s just going to spend it on drugs and alcohol..
Yeah, OK. Like I wasn’t.
you know being royal isn’t a real job cuz 4 people can just stop working and nothing happens. if 4 people stopped working at the mcdonald’s drive thru that shit would go up in flames
driving is absolutely insane. I’m gonna hop in this metal box and roll around so fast that hitting literally anything might kill me
what idiot called them crabs instead of sidewalks
For the love of God, if you leave me a voicemail, don’t just say “Call me back.” Tell me what it’s in regards to so I can prepare my defense
I put a Justin Bieber’s song as my alarm tone and it works wonders cuz I wake up before it goes off so I don’t have to listen to that shit.
Me: just running to the store, who cares what I’m wearing
Also me: runs into everybody I know
hypnotist: next time you smoke, youll taste something disgusting
me: disgusting as in gross or as in morally wrong
hypnotist: idk whatever
[later]
me: *spitting out cigarette* insulin costs HOW much
me: can i withdraw a million dollars
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
Moaning “Oh God” on a Sunday morning is the closest I’ll get to church
A scientist who studies Adam’s apples is called a guyneckologist.
My 6yo told me that I couldn’t go past him into the living room unless I told him the secret code which he said was a bathroom word. So I said “a bathroom word” and he didn’t let me in.
My mother-in-law doesn’t get migraines. She gives them.
me: hole in the wall places are often the best places to eat
mcdonalds manager: [just stares at me as the tow truck pulls my car out of the side of his building]
me: so really i did you guys a favor
Of course, turn the volume all the way up on your terrible, terrible music. Why should you suffer alone?
One time I didn’t cut my grass for two months and my neighbor who was trying to sell his house got fed up and cut it for me so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you just ignore them
Every year, falling coconuts kill more people than shark attacks, but the families of the shark victims are less embarrassed.
I need a pain relieving patch that covers my whole body
I want to buy a Prius because I plan on driving off of a cliff & I don’t want to make too big of an explosion & kill squirrels or turtles
The right sneeze can adjust a tampon.
banks: have you gone paperless yet? then go paperless! being paperless is great! oh you’ve gone paperless? THANK YOU! WE LOVE YOU! YES FOR PAPERLESS!!!!
those same banks: we need a postal letter as your proof of address document nothing else will do lol soz