“Your present is too big and weirdly shaped to wrap. Oh! What if I buried it in the yard?!” -me, genuinely, earlier today. Wife said no.
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British people tell you that they live in a real country and then introduce you to someone called the Marchioness of Cholmondeley
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
Me: I’ve seen this before. Whatever I wish for will come back and bite me in some way.
Genie: I promise that won’t happen. I’m so sure it won’t I’ll give you infinite wishes if it does.
Me: Okay. I wish for a boomerang with teeth.
Genie: You sonofa-
Thinking of becoming the “where’s my hug” guy in prison.
Dear millionaires,
If you don’t have a bookcase that spins into a secret room then give your money to me because you’re spending it wrong.
When you order 20 bananas and end up with 20 *bunches*…
Eating pizza is a lot like drinking alcohol. If you have too much you always end up being like “I could really go for some pizza.”
Our daughter woke us up at 3am to tell us a ghost was tapping on her from under her bed. Obviously, she was having a dream but we’re going to sell the house just in case.
Guys! Everybody needs to stop Kung Fu fighting. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
My 3-year-old put a blanket over her head and ran around like it was an invisibility cloak, but not for long.
It made walls invisible, too.
5 yo- *being incredibly loud and obnoxious* I’m trying to bother that fly because maybe he will get annoyed and die.
Apparently I am the fly.
We need more insane laws like New Jersey’s “can’t pump your own gas” rule. No tying your own shoes in Delaware. It’s illegal to make your own pancakes in Wyoming. Don’t even try to shear your own sheep in Montana. I dare you to blow up your own balloons in Tennessee
Find someone more giddy with excitement than my husband who stopped the car between the Canada-US border to joke that we left the kids in another country
Me: [fails Captcha test]
Captcha: haha goptcha
Coworker: Do you have good taste in music?
Me: I can only taste things I put in my mouth
Both of us thinking: I work with an idiot
That dress was wearable way before your “cami” intervened. India and lingerie sites. *rolls eyes*
*gets home from game*
“whoa what happened to your eye”
I was on the Kiss Cam
“oh she wasn’t into it?”
with the t-shirt cannon guy’s daughter
Hickory dickory dock
I think that my soulmate’s a sockThe End
I have decided to purchase the grocery store because it is now cheaper than the groceries inside it.
I don’t mean to brag but I’m a lot more trouble than I’m worth.
My proctologist gave me two thumbs up. Which I did not appreciate.
Bartender: A shot of whiskey can cleanse the soul
Me: *thinks back to the time I “experimented” in college* I’ll take 27 bottles please
I’m “I have been lying about my age so long that I have forgotten how old I actually am” years old.
OEDIPUS: hi do u have any anniversary/Mother’s Day cards?
CARD STORE CLERK: dude wtf
I was having a shitty Thursday. Then my ex texted me. Now I’m having a shitty Valentine’s Day as well.
Friend dropping me off at the airport: ok fly safe
Me who is not piloting the plane: ok I will
Like a kite stuck in a tree, I too am stuck in a tree
I’d love for someone to play with my hair & tell me I’m pretty but his hand would get tangled in my hair and things would get weird… Fast.
Me: [Alone in our kitchen making a sandwich]
My teeanager: Why are you trying to embarrass me?