One time I screamed so hard about a professional athlete not playing through an injury I blew out my back and couldn’t work for a week.
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I can’t wait to eat chips. If I had known Lent was so long I would not have given up chips.
– 11, missing the point of Lent
There are a million designers working on making website buttons have better gradients and none working on the cord that changes how fast your ceiling fan is going. Literally no one knows what speed their fan is on or what will happen if they pull the cord again
My wife isn’t international so we don’t celebrate
Honestly I wouldn’t want to be left alone with anyone who knew even a single way to skin a cat
My boomer father in law couldn’t get his TV to work, the tv was plugged into a surge protector…that was plugged into itself.
If the question is how many toothbrushes can my 2yo fit in his mouth at the same time before I catch him. The answer is 4.
“Your honor, my client is absolutely not a flight risk.”
“What makes you so sure?”
“He is a penguin.”
Kids are fun because they’ll barge in the bathroom when you say “don’t come in, I’m naked” and then get mad at you because you’re naked.
The one night I drag the lawn chair into the yard, I see a neighbor I haven’t seen in 3 years and she has a shovel. Is this how it all ends?
“Let’s play 21 questions”
Nigerian Girl: how tall are you?
Nigerian Guy: Rice. What’s the worst thing you’ve done with a guy?
*watching the first MI, Tom Cruise sends a message to max@job 3:14
me: pfft that’s not a valid email address format, no wonder it’s called Mission Impossible
wife:
me: I mean some of the other stuff seems pretty improbable too
Is this cat saying Meow or Mao? Cause I’m not keepin some commie cat
If you make fun of a guy named Terry and he shoots you dead, you have died of dissin’ Terry…
… don’t get up. I’ll show myself out.
I saw an Indian asleep on the train, noticed the little red dot on his forehead, and thought, “Is he on standby?”
My ex-wife told me to go to hell. She’s fuckin crazy if she thinks I marry her again!
Mornin
Dog: Why don’t you feed me more?
Me: Because I love you and I don’t want you to get fat.
Dog: … You must really hate yourself.
I am not on a plant based diet but my lungs are
Here is a little money saving tip that I’ve learned: If you spend all of your money on tattoos, then technically, your money will be with you forever.
Digs hole so deep to bury feelings I end up in China
[alarm clock buzzing]
BIRD: [groaning] ah man it’s too early
GOTH WORM: *bangs on window* Wake up you lazy sack of shit and eat my flesh
When someone says “everything happens for a reason,” I stab them and laugh, just so they know I understand.
Weighing up my bread heating options
Haven’t seen Paranormal Activity 4 yet so PLEASE don’t tell me which lamp falls over.
I’ve been waiting for this moment and it has finally happened.
I got a paper review back saying I need to familiarise myself more with the works of Heejung Chung and that my work should engage more with her work.
When people dig up a grave in the movies it’s always so fast. It usually takes me days.
If they didn’t want to see me twerk at this PTA meeting they shouldn’t have asked if I had any skills I could bring to the table!
Instead of writing ‘many thanks’ at the end of an email, specify the number of thanks, eg “18 thanks”. The personal touch will be appreciated
When I go jogging, I listen to a portable CD player, so people think I’ve been running for 10 years.
Anyone who can get the straw in the Capri Sun on the first try can make your death look like an accident.