Pushed together 3 piles of my wife’s clothes on the floor to vacuum and boy was that a mistake.
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How long can a guy stare at you at the urinal before things get creepy…because it’s been two minutes and this dude refuses to make eye contact with me.
Her: are you almost done?
Me: it got a bit tedious in the middle but i’m on the last page
Cheesecake Factory waiter: please sir, my shift ended 4 hours ago
One pretty important part of being a dad is walking faster than the rest of your family through an airport.
oh you don’t want my dog to bark at you? then why would you stand calmly within a 2 mile radius of my house
I came.
I saw.
I lost a banana.
When people say, “Remind me never to…” do they want the message delivered daily? Weekly? On a birthday? Do I write it on a napkin and deliver it to them with coffee each morning? Should I follow them around with a cardboard sign? Is it a lifetime job or will my kids inherit it?
My son just got his brown belt in Tae Kwon Do. If you threaten him, he bows respectfully before he runs.
If we can land on Mars then we can figure out how to get someone else to go to the bathroom for me I’m not discussing this further
It takes me about 15 hours to fully wake up in the morning
This morning I jogged for 30 swear words.
Wife: How’d this get broken?
Me: Probably the kids.
Wife: We don’t have any kids.
Me: *already sprinted out the front door*
My idea to call our weekend bicycling group the “Pedalphiles” was not well-received AT ALL.
It’s 2035:
By law, all burglar alarms are fitted with projectors so burglars are distracted by dancing Tupac holograms until police arrive.
CRAIGSLIST AD: Wanted – chicken nugget shaped like Rafael. Have 2 Leonardo’s, willing to trade. Serious offers only. No Michaelangelo’s.
BANK ROBBER: I said keep your hands up!
ME: *Exasperated sigh* The whole time?!
The projected sales figur-
*phone buzzes*
the proj-
*buzzes again*
*checks phone*
Excuse me for a moment gentelmen I’m being owned online
My kid fell asleep in the car holding his half-eaten donut, so I did the responsible thing and finished it for him
Today, a man looked me right in the face & said “You’re not hot!”
Actually it was a cop &he said “Here’s your ticket. Have a nice evening.”
My 10yo programmed Alexa so that when he asks, “Who am I?”, she responds, “You’re the king and you’re better than everybody. Deal with it, peeps!”
I am so, so embarrassed that I didn’t program her first.
Maybe I’m the good kind of fat like an avocado.
He told her that trees blossom in her presence. What he meant was that she scares the sap back up into them.
A Guy Doing Push Ups ‘One.. Two.. Three..’
*A Girl Passes by..*
Guy: “82.. 83.. 84..”
The writing is on the wall, or on my teen’s arm because I needed to write down a number and couldn’t find a piece of paper.
I’m not alone. I have ants.
Spelling “Mike” using the phonetic alphabet is easy.
That’s M as in Mike. I as in the second letter in Mike. K as in… you got it… and E as in euphoria.
No smoking? Really? You’re gonna let a fuel delivery system tell you what to do
I hate it when my kid beats me in an argument, like this morning when I told her Oreos aren’t breakfast food and she countered with, “of course not, they’re the snack before breakfast”
“ok start it up”
tktktk-puh-buurup-chk-a-chk
“give it some gas”
ss-ss-icka-icka-grrawh-pshhhh
any ideas?
“I can’t hear over you beatboxing”
Some people can’t sleep because they have insomnia. I can’t sleep because I have internet connection.