My daughter is yelling at Alexa because it doesn’t know a song she made up. This may be the end of their friendship.
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Whatever I was born in like 10 mangers
A existential ship hitting an iceberg is called a Whytanic.
Me: You ever have conversations in your head?
Me: No.
Me: Me neither
“Marines!”
“SIR, YES SIR!”
“Get ready to deploy at 05:00 sharp–HUGHES WHERE IN THE SHIT ARE YOU GOING!?”
“That’s too early I quit.”
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
my wife said she was trash, so i said that must make me an opossum, and i think we just renewed our vows
Don’t you love it when you’re doing a nude selfie in a leather harness and you accidentally press answer on your mom’s face time?
A bee is willing to end it’s own life just to cause you a tiny amount of pain. I can relate to that level of pettiness.
If the radius of a pizza is Z and the thickness is A, then the volume of pizza is PI x Z x Z x A. #asianshowingoff
No one will even notice your holiday weight gain if you start carrying pie everywhere you go.
I’m so talented I can not only spill food on my clothes but I can get it on yours too.
The USB port on this cat doesn’t work.
Whenever I take my kids to the zoo I think this is exactly where they belong.
If you aren’t happy single, you won’t be happy taken. Real happiness comes from The Cheesecake Factory, not relationships.
70% of the planet is covered in water yet here I am drowning in bullshit.
I was just talking about how stupid it is that we don’t use the metric system like the rest of the world! 😂😂
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
I must have more than ten fingers because I broke like 17 nails today
what do tooth fairies do with the teeth they collect? what do they know that we don’t? are we getting ripped off
“A car I’ve never seen before just parked outside. We’re gonna die CAN YOU HEAR ME Jesus Christ you’re not listening to me I said…”
– Dogs
Beethoven:Who wants to hear some Symphonies?
*crowd goes wild
B:I SAID WHO WANTS TO HEAR SOME SYMPHONIES
*crowd goes nuts
B:I CANT HEAR YOU!
If you’re with me when I die, remember 2 things:
1) Do Not Resuscitate
2) Smash Phone on Ground
Now I lay me down to sleep
I hope you like this and retweet
If I should die before I wake
I may have eaten too much cake
Based on the musicians who thanked him at the Grammys, I gotta say: I’m not crazy for God’s taste in music.
One time getting ready to go out to eat my dad told me not to wear jeans with any holes in them and I immediately responded by asking how I was going to put my feet in them and he seriously had a tear build up in one eye.
@funTweeters Oh, wow! Thank you for adopting me into this incredible family of hilarity! Proud to be in such admirable company. 😊🙌🎉
**You’re through to 911, dial 1 for human cops, dial 2 for lobster cops**
[smashes 2 frantically while crayfish tries to break down my door]
professor x: whats your superpower?
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
*Sitting at Gate*
Airport Wifi- All settled in? Feeling productive?
Me- Yep, why?
Airport Wifi- Cool, let me just drop ou…
*closes laptop*
Me in my 20s: SEVEN MORE SHOTS AND THEN TACO BELL!
Me in my 40s: I have moderate hip pain & I believe I may have swallowed some hair