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Please end your conference calls on time. You have no idea who is suffering and needs to go to the bathroom. your question can wait brenda
Social media allows me to review all my mistakes in chronological order…with pictures.
My dentist told me I need a crown. I was like I KNOW, RIGHT?
They say a mind is a terrible thing to waste. You have nothing to worry about.
Donate one kidney and you’re a hero. Donate a couple more and suddenly you’re a monster
Me: Scientists have discovered a nearly 900,000,000 year-old fossil.
Child: Was it the skeleton of your childhood pet?
Me: Things like this are why no one likes children.
I have no idea how the cavemen could afford to eat paleo.
first time homeowner question. how much fog is supposed to be coming from my basement?
There’s a 92-year-old winning on Wheel of Fortune. When I’m 92, I’ll be happy if I still remember the letters of the alphabet.
How much peanut butter do you guys usually have on your phone?
DAD: *to my brother* Just be yourself.
ME: And me?
DAD: Just be your brother.
“Alright they’ve left for vacation lets rob em”
Oh shoot their porch lights are on
“So what we literally watched them leave”
Rules are rules
Playing dead for the alarm clock doesn’t seem to be working
My wife keeps telling me I need glasses
but I prefer to drink right out of the bottle
What if life on Earth is just a video game for gods, and my guy has the crappy controller?
Vet: I’m afraid I’m going to have to put your horse down
Me: But why?
Vet: It’s very heavy
*brings elephant to knife fight
*nobody talks about it
Just because I am an Italian American doesn’t mean my family is in the mob….
It means we used to be.
NOT EVERYONE WAS KUNG FU FIGHTING, MOM. SOME OF US WERE TRYING TO BREAK IT UP.
Run yourself luxurious baths, while you’re still young and fit to climb in and out!
Boy: call me daddy 😉
Me:
This fish is cracking me up
Friend: Are you growing your hair out?
Me: I have no idea. Honestly, I never thought I’d live this long
My brother’s so homophobic that if he dropped his keys in San Francisco he’d kick them to Oakland before bending over to pick them up.
What should we call this portable computer?
SOME GUY: Laptop
[everyone applauds…w/ tears in my eyes i crumple a paper that says Kneeputer]
[googling]
me: [how to get wife to stop cheating]
google: it won’t stop jim
me: [please google please stop porking my wife]
google: i can give her things that you can’t
me: [we have children]
google: you sure they’re yours jim?
me: [looks down at my son, algorithm] oh god
future wife: how many alarms did you set
me: don’t worry about it
wife: how many
me: twenty seven
wife: set three more
Every birth announcement I see the parents are like “we’re already so in love!” Just once I want a “she seems chill but we’ll see what happens”
my kid climbed into the tub fully naked and still I found leaves in there after
I saw some martial arts guy on TV do one of those spinning kick things and, honestly, it looked pretty easy.
What I’m trying to say is I need an ambulance.