Why are the pyramids in Egypt?
Bc they were too heavy to carry to the British museum.
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If they cancel the Simpsons we will no longer be able to see into the future
Vet: We have to put his dog down
Assistant: You tell him
Vet: No, you
Assistant: You!
Vet: YOU!
John Wick: What are you two whispering about?
*waking up hogtied in the trunk of a car*
………
*goes back to sleep*
I use a wheelchair. I love it when people ask me if I know one of their friends in a wheelchair, like we’re all in a secret wheelchair club.
*Takes your face in my hands*
*Looks deep into your eyes*
*Whispers “You make me want to spend the rest of my life avoiding you” *
I always hated videos of animals being shot with tranquilizer darts to trap and transport them.
Now, I’m calculating the toddler dosage.
[alien taking notes]
Humans: Reluctant to common sense gun control, yet somehow completely overreactive when approached by a bee.
I get all my cardio by crying when someone calls me ma’am at the gym.
[alternate universe]
cows on a road-trip: look a car!
For Halloween I’m just going to put these on and lay down under a house.
me, being swallowed whole by a komodo dragon: haha, okay we get it, you don’t like to chew
Boss: also, a reminder that if you find a USB outside, do not bring it into the workplace
Me: *writing notes* international bees only
gettin prety good at makin baloon animals, so far i can make:
– a snake
– worm
– eel
– dog, hot
– 2 snakes
Boss: Are you going to do any work today?
Me: Has it been optional this whole time?
[leaving the synagogue]
I always thought rabbi was just the plural of rabbit
You know you have something special w someone when u start finishing their sentences. But enough about me & my local Subway sandwich artist
First child: Eats yogurt.
Second child: Smears yogurt all over face, finger paints with yogurt on table, and gives the dog a moisturizing yogurt mask.
what’s for dinner?
ME: indian
we had indian last night
ME: i know, but i forgot to do the ‘i see a little sillhouetto of a naan’ joke so
Sometimes I like to purchase every item on a person’s Amazon wish list for myself and then let them know I’m living their best life
(Arrives in rescue boat to aid sinking cruise ship full of today’s pop artists, saves only Lorde and Sia, speeds away)
I’m not sure I like progress.
I asked my youngest for her Christmas list and she held up her phone and said, “Just scan this QR code.”
I got halfway through writing an email to a company letting them know that their bag of trailmix didn’t contain any of the chocolate chips advertised on the bag before remembering that I have two kids.
“Let’s eat, Pappy.”
Not “Let’s eat Pappy.”
Proof grammar saves lives.
[first day as a negotiator]
Me: release one hostage
Terrorist: no
Me: release half of one hostage
Whenever I’m feeling down on a Sunday night, I unblock my mom on Facebook as a reminder that shit could be worse.
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial district & all i could think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
Just saw an eagle swoop down and pick up a baby bunny, so cute when animals are friends!
Let’s take a ouija board to the graveyard and make some prank calls
yoooo let ur cat know i said pspspsps