Just gonna eat a cookie and reflect on this
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My favorite part of Zumba is mortgaging my house to pay the chiropractor.
I tried to take peanut butter through airport security.
TSA: Sorry, no liquids, gels, or aerosols.
Me: I want you to tell me which of those things you think peanut butter is.
Have you ever listened fo someone talk for a while and wondered who helps them put their shoes on the right feet?
Friend: How’s your Keto diet going?
Me: [throws fourth T-bone onto plate] My cholesterol’s extremely high, so I had a heart attack, but I’ve lost 2 pounds.
If my iPod doesn’t work in the next few minutes, I’m throwing it in the river.
It can either sync or swim.
Genie: I will grant you one wish
Me: I wish to be healthy and fit in both body and mind
Genie: I said a wish, not a miracle
My cute neighbor saw me running and so I had to keep running until she couldn’t see me any more. Call an ambulance
HER: Hi, I’m your real estate agent.
ME: It’s okay, I can tell when someone is imaginary, you can just say “estate agent”.
Whenever I motorboat a stripper, I spend more time on the left boob cuz its closer to the heart. I’m a die hard romantic.
host: hello and welcome to another episode of “terrible at social interactions”. let’s meet our first contestant that don’t talk so good, sam. tell us a little bit about yourself sam
sam: yeah and you as well
host:
sam:
host: killer job sammy boy
People are starting to relax about coronavirus. I coughed at the grocery store and only one person tased me.
I think my favorite sammich is ice cream
Interviewer: what makes you the best candidate for our transplant surgeon position?
Me: my tremendous hatred of rejection
is the plural of judas judasses or judi
one last job
“Bears are omnivores so if you think about it, eating porridge makes perfect sense.”
my date: *heavy sigh* “Ok. Do you have a second favorite book?”
At my age, a new driver’s license doesn’t have an Expires On date. It has a Renew If You Haven’t Expired On date.
Who called it a foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
I think that as a reward for losing 200 lbs you should be able to use all of that loose skin to become a human version of a flying squirrel.
if you didn’t want me to hide in your closet you shouldn’t have said you had the hiccups
That moment when you cut into a seedless watermelon and find out it’s only allegedly seedless
No, I can’t come to your wedding. I just realized the remote works through the blanket.
My house isn’t messy, it’s whimsical.
ME: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender lol
DATE: Haha, because you say something & he says it back to
ME: He’s murdered 7 people
Women never find it devilishly charming when I follow them into the lady’s room. Thanks a lot, “Top Gun”.
If you see a “lost & found” box in the proctologist’s office keep walking.
ME: *closes to Kill a Mockingbird*
WIFE: did you actually read it?
ME: yup
WIFE: what happens
ME: (very confidently) it was a bird massacre
*sips coffee*
*thinks to myself as I walk away*
Carol seems grumpy today…
*takes another sip from Starbucks cup that says “Carol”*
I accidentally bought a pair of nose-cancelling headphones and now my glasses keep falling off.
“The only difference between heterosexual and homosexual sex is which hole you stick it in.”
~my mother after a few drinks