i’ve grown my mustache down over my mouth and all the other ventriloquists here are wondering why they never thought of that before
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Technically, a millennial is anyone who had to learn cursive but never had to use it.
I had to explain to my 5yo that he’s not allowed to “kaboom” the baby
“Mommy never mind I’ll ask you later when you’re not scooping the phone out of the toilet.”
– My current favorite child
most awkward objects to handle:
1. mattress
2. big sack of onions
3. dead guy rolled in a carpet
Mum always told me to wear clean underwear in case I got run over by a bus. I can now tell you from experience that if you do get hit by a bus, your underwear won’t remain clean.
That thing in video games where you have a great item so you hold onto it but never end up using it? Thats me with fruit.
[Knock at door]
MAN: Hello I’m here to talk about Jesus Christ!! Sorry, a spider landed on me. I’m here to talk about bondage
ME: Do come in
Earth is indeed bipolar, but it’s not a disorder.
I can’t do small talk I just asked the lady cutting my hair what she does for a living
Want to binge on sugar but all I’ve got are gummy vitamins so I’m about to get mad healthy
If I squint really hard, nope. You’re still an idiot.
Some dude built his wife the Taj Mahal and I can’t get a DM from a guy that doesn’t have his wife in his profile picture
I scream, you scream, we all scream…
This fire drill is going really badly.
I need to get my HR lady, mom and girlfriend together so they can more efficiently scrutinize my every move and thought.
bought candy at the movies and suddenly i can’t pay this months rent anymore
If she wants to be chased, she better steal my pizza or something
My 5yo is demanding I tell him where he lived when mommy and daddy were kids
[Morning after wedding]
*dead husband lies on bed*
PRAYING MANTIS: [On phone] Mom *sobs* it happened again
MOM: Ok hurry up and eat his body
Cerebral exploration with this Q tip.
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* why aren’t there any female Transformers?!?
Caffeine is bad for you, fat is bad for you, sugar is bad for you. But don’t worry, because worrying is bad for you too.
Wife: no bird puns this year at Thanksgiving
Me: fine but I get to do some now.
Wife: owl allow it.
Me: wait-what are you doing?
Wife: toucan play this game.
Me: I don’t like this.
Dogs are your best friend unless you’re playing hide and seek – they will sell you out.
I’ve never bitten off more than I can chew, but once I put too much mouthwash in my mouth and couldn’t swish it around.
My kid went from saying “please” to “do it” and I really enjoyed my time with her but I think we’re over now.
Evening News is where they begin with ‘Good Evening’ and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
Big Sex has us all fooled
like my toaster, i too spend a lot of time in my kitchen making sudden movements and burning things.
When I was growing up, “Deadpool” was just what we called our neighbors’ hot tub after he mysteriously drowned in it.
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u are not responding lol