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Whenever I unsubscribe and it asks me why, I choose “other” and put “you know what you did.”
studying the Sphinx using Pharoahdynamics
About halfway through my wife’s lecture on how dangerous cutting my own hair was I chopped off my own ears. I’ll never hear the end of it now.
The TP factory remains safe, as the would-be theives were flushed out before they could wipe up the inventory.
The next time kids ding door ditch you you have to run and chase after them and yell WHAT IF IM A CRAZY PERSON!!
I trained my dog to shake for a treat and now he works the room like the groom at his reception.
Let’s hear it for the staff in this branch of Maplin, still able to crack funnies ahead of their store’s impending closure …
*exercises sarcastically*
Deer are just ballerina dogs
My husband wants to make cauliflower crust pizza so now I have to run to the grocery store and find a new husband.
*A demon tries to posses my soul while I sleep but can’t because he’s choking on all of the axe body spray I’m wearing*
*walking down street with friend*
Well, this is me.
*jumps in front of bus*
I question Chrysler’s dedication to the safety of it’s customers with names like Dodge and Ram.
Websites: “Please choose a password with 12 characters, three symbols, no spaces, no repeated letters, and nothing you’ve used in the last 6 months.”
ATMs: “Four numbers is cool.”
AROMATHERAPY CONUNDRUM:
Spilling a large bucket of Lavender oil all over your carpet: Very stressful, or very relaxing? #retweet #grief
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas
When you’re on a date that’s not going well, just start talking about genital psoriasis.
You’re welcome.
My muffin top has become a full blown birthday cake.
SHAKE WHAT YOUR MAMA GAVE YOU
*shakes buy one get one free coupon*
a fun thing about getting older is all the sports injuries you get while sleeping
1 in 5 people are Chinese. Only 5 people in my family, it’s either mom or dad, brother Colin, younger brother Ho Chan. I think it’s Colin.
A guy just offered to buy me a drink. I declined, but heard him say lesbo to his pal. I replied “Only for you, baby”. Now he feels special.
This summer, camp counselors all over the country will shine flashlights under their chins and read the headlines.
Be warned, person who set of a whole bunch of fireworks at 4 am–you’ve made a minimally powerful enemy.
Scar didn’t murder Mufasa. It’s a cat’s natural instinct to knock things off ledges
my kids wanted fruit instead of cinnamon rolls this am so now I’m left wondering what heinous tantrum is coming later to equal it all out
Me: *pees on her leg*
Her: *screams*
Me: What?! You’re supposed to pee on someone when they sing!
Security: That’s for STINGS.
Me: *not allowed within 100 ft of Britney Spears anymore*
Youtube trainer: and we’re going to repeat this exercise for thirty seconds
me: *how* many seconds???
[at hairstylist]
Make me look like I’m running really fast.
[SCIENCE FAIR]
ME: It’s a Pez dispenser, but for hot Pop-Tarts.
PRINCIPAL: This fair is for kids.
OTHER PARENT: Shut up, let him finish.